78th Academy Awards
Oscars 2006
Red carpet blahs blasé…
And now for the big show.
:03. Opens with video of former hosts turning down the offer: Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a Brokeback tent, then Steve Martin with clone kids, Whoopi at a hotel room – “Oh, Hell no!” David Letterman babysitting Martin’s kids, Mel Gibson talking in ancient tongue, Mr. Moviefone passes on the invite. Pan up to Jon Stewart in bed with Halle Berry. Is it a dream? Yes. Then Stewart in bed with George Clooney. Is it dream? No. “Start the show.”
:06. Stewart enters stage center. Camera shows Keira Knightley seated next to Jack Nicholson. “Ladies, gentlemen, Felicity.” Stewart keeps to his typical mocking monologue, focusing his aim on Hollywood, the Democrats and gay cowboys. The audience reception is tepid, perhaps even cold compared to the kids who pack “Daily Show” tapings. But does Stewart really care? Probably not.
:16. Nicole Kidman presents the first Oscar of the night, for best supporting actor, and the oscar goes to George Clooney in Syriana. Hooray for him. This was a toss-up category (as it and best supporting actress usually are), considering the award could’ve gone to Matt Dillon (who won the Independent Spirit Award yesterday for his racist cop in Crash), Paul Giamatti (to make up for past oversights, an Academy tradition), William Hurt or Jake the gay cowboy. “OK, so I’m not winning director,” Clooney jokes. He continues to mock himself for knowing his obit now will read Oscar winner George Clooney instead of People’s Sexiest Man Alive or Batman. He paid tribute to the other nominees by wondering how one compares different roles as art. Finally, he paid tribute to being “out of touch” in Hollywood community if out of touch means being activists. “I’m proud to be part of this academy…proud to be out of touch.”
:25. Video of Tom Hanks demonstrating proper acceptance speech, only he gets a beat-down from the orchestra for going over time. Sorta funny, only not.
:27. Ben Stiller presents, in “green-screen” pajama suit or unitard, for visual effects. Funny funny funny. Nominees are Narnia, King Kong, War of the Worlds (I say Kong). And the Oscar goes to King Kong. Notice how they went back to the pre-2005 format, in which these guys get to have the walk up to the stage, instead of a group stand onstage or awards handed to them in the balcony! You didn’t read much about this in the pre-Oscars press, did you?
:31. Reese Witherspoon presents best animated feature, which better be Wallace & Gromit, is all I’m saying. And the Oscar goes to Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Sweet. Of course, Nick Park has won multiple Oscars for his Wallace & Gromit shorts, so this is a safe bet with the Academy voters. Park and his comrade put matching big bow ties on their Oscars. Hey, wait a second. I’ve met and talked to Nick Park in person. That means I know an Oscar winner! Hooray, me!
:35. Naomi Watts introduces best original song nominee Dolly Parton, with “Travelin’ Thru” from Transamerica. “All the way from Dollywood to Hollywood, what do you think about that?” Parton yells before singing.
:42, Back from commercial break, Stewart pretends to be midway through a sermon preaching Scientology. Also funny. You know what, this ceremony is becoming enjoyable to watch just for the random yet intricately planned comedic moments and tangents. Luke and Owen Wilson present best live-action short, and they mention their first short, Bottle Rocket, which provided them their big break into show bidness. All the nominees were available last week on iTunes, but I still knew nothing about them. And with that, the Oscar goes to Six Shooter. The Wilsons introduce two characters from Chicken Little to present best animated short. All the nominees look good. Still no clue. And the Oscar goes to The Moon and the Son. Guy says thanks for appreciating hand-drawn animation.
:49. Jen Aniston (I’m on Team Brangelina) presents best costume design. Nominees are Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (nice and fun), Memoirs of a Geisha (nice, but predictable), Mrs. Henderson Presents (wha?), Pride & Prejudice (c’mon now, really?), Walk The Line (1950s-60s!). And the Oscar goes to Geisha gowns. Yawn.
:52. Russell Crowe introduces montage of biopics.
:58. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell present for makeup, done up in horrible makeup jobs. Subversively funny, considering how Ferrell and Carell stay in character. Nominees are Narnia, Cinderella Man, Star Wars. Star Wars did the most, but the Oscar goes to Narnia duo. The guy takes all the time, leaving nothing for the gal. Boo.
1:02. Stewart makes a joke about makeup people trying to make it look as though Russell Crowe got into a fight. Jamie Foxx laughs it up, but a couple of seats away, no smile from Crowe pal Nicole Kidman. Then Stewart wonders if everyone got together and pulled down giant Oscar statue, if democracy would flourish in Hollywood. Ah, subtle satire. Cut to Rachel McAdams and the technical Oscars recap.
1:03. Morgan Freeman presents best supporting actress. Wow. Tough pick. Amy Adams (critical darling, little-seen film, but won the Independent Spirit Award yesterday), Catherine Keener (playing Harper Lee, author of one of my favorite books, but better in The 40-Year-Old Virgin), Frances McDormand (always good), Rachel Weisz (hot, won Globes and SAG) or Michelle Williams (very strong performance in a truly supporting role). And the Oscar goes to Rachel Weisz. So, no surprise here in a category that often produces the big surprise of the night.
1:12. Lauren Bacall talks up film noir, but is she having problems with the TelePrompter or what? Cue the montage. Phew, we made it through that possible mishap.
1:17. Stewart introduces a “Daily Show” look at the best actress category via mock political campaign ads for each woman.
1:21. Terrence Howard presents best documentary short. I missed the name of the winner checking something else online, but the woman thanks Academy for seating her next to Clooney at the nominee’s luncheon. Clooney, again, shows solid timing with his glance to the live camera.
1:22. Charlize Theron presents best documentary. Please, no penguins, please, penguins. Ouch. And the Oscar goes to March of the Penguins, a French film about, well, the annual march of the penguins, which is not all its cracked up to be, even if they did get Morgan Freeman to redo the narration. The producers bring up stuffed penguins.
1:24. J. Lo wears something traditional, looks great, not attempting to sing (even better!). She is here instead to intro song, “In The Deep,” from Crash. Oh, I remember this song now. Soft, touching, poignant even. Not that the movie was those things. Certainly, this category gives voters an interesting choice between this, Dolly Parton or the pimp rap song from Hustle & Flow.
1:32. Stewart gives halftime pep talk.
1:33. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves (who also arrived together!) present best art direction and set decoration. Nominees are Good Night, and Good Luck (ooh, black and white), Harry Potter (ooh, imaginative sets, yes!), King Kong (ooh, yes yes!), Memoirs of a Geisha (ooh, oh), Pride & Prejudice (ooh, seen that before). Potter or Kong, I say. But the Oscar goes to Geisha?! Academy must love them Japanese period pieces with Chinese actresses, saying, well, the movie bored us, but it was pretty to look at the costumes and the sets and the pretty Chinese women pretending to be Japanese.
1:37. Samuel L. Jackson (who like me, uses his middle L wisely) here to introduce another montage, this time on socio-political flicks. The clips remind me that there are two new 30th anniversary two-disc DVDs out for All The President’s Men and Network that I want to get, and think you should get, too! “And none of those issues were never a problem, again,” Stewart said afterward. Ah, satire. And a Susan Sarandon joke, too!
1:41. Academy guy here for the official mid-show introduction speech. Bathroom break!
1:44. Salma Hayek. If you ever get the chance to see Salma Hayek up close, please take advantage of the opportunity. One of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen, and even more gorgeous in person walking in front of you. Oh, right. Back to the actual ceremony. Hayek is here for best score, and introduces Itzhak Perlman, which I guess is what the announcer was hinting earlier as a surprise performance. Perlman performs a medley of the scores with the orchestra. And the Oscar goes to Brokeback Mountain, which, considering how much we’ve heard the score manipulated on the countless Brokeback trailer spoofs, makes the most sense to casual movie fans.
1:57. Stewart accuses Perlman of “finger-syncing” and Perlman, back in his seat, chuckles. Jake Gyllenhaal introduces montage of epics, with another not-so subtle declaration that you need to watch movies on the big screen, and not “your portable DVD.” Afterward, Stewart notes, “I cannot wait until we have the Oscar salute to montages.”
2:01. Jessica Alba and Eric Bana here for best sound mixing, which goes to King Kong. Solid choice.
2:04. Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep to present a special Oscar to Robert Altman. Much specialness ensues.
2:19. Ludacris introduces the Hustle & Flow song, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”
2:20. My ex calls. This will make blogging difficult, but thanks to DVR capabilities, not impossible.
2:24. Queen Latifah is excited to present best song to the P-I-M-P pimps.
2:29. Jennifer Garner almost trips and falls, presents best sound editing for Kong.
2:31. Clooney presents the annual death roll.
2:38. Will Smith presents best foreign film to Tsotsi, the South African entry.
2:42. Ziyi Zhang presents best film editing to Crash.
2:45. Hilary Swank, looking quite swanky, presents best actor. Tough to argue against Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Truman Capote, but the other guys were pretty good, too: Terrence Howard, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix and David Strathairn (but really, could we see a different clip of him for once?). And the Oscar goes to Capote. Called it. He really is overwhelmed, despite having won pretty much all of the other awards this season. Asked folks to congratulate his mom, “She brought up four kids by herself.” Touching.
2:55. Stewart asks for another round for the orchestra. He intros John Travolta (will he mention the Scientology crack, like Sean Penn responded to Chris Rock’s jokes last year about Jude Law? Nope). Best cinematography goes to Memoirs of a Geisha – again with the Geisha! They’re getting a lot of Oscar love tonight for no big nominations.
2:58. Jamie Foxx to present best actress, but mumbling something about the after-parties. Should come down to Reese Witherspoon or Felicity Huffman, but could they split the vote and allow Dame Judi Dench (no), Keira Knightley (no) or Charlize Theron (no) to sneak in with a win? And the Oscar goes to Reese Witherspoon. Again, called it back when the nominations came out. She is adorable and her acceptance is so, so precious and endearing.
3:08. Out comes Dustin Hoffman for adapted screenplay, which goes unsurprisingly to the Brokeback duo of Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry. Larry goes off on a big book riff, which is weird, since they adapted a New Yorker magazine piece.
3:13. Uma Thurman, for original screenplay, presents to Crash. Paul Haggis thanks the people who make big risks when the cameras aren’t rolling.
3:20. Tom Hanks comes out to Forrest Gump music?! He presents best director to (who wants to put money against Ang Lee? Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so) Ang Lee. His first words: “I wish I knew how to quit you,” thereby securing Lee the James Cameron Loser Line Award of the evening. Yes, you remember when Mr. Cameron belted out, “I’m king of the world,” upon accepting his directing Oscar for Titanic. And if you had forgotten, I apologize for reminding you.
3:22. Jack Nicholson gets the honor of presenting best picture, with tinted sunglasses. I said Capote was the best picture of 2005, but it’s up against Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Good Night, and Good Luck, and Munich. And the Oscar goes to Crash. WTF? You’re kidding, right? Witness the Academy patting itself on the back for picking this maudlin exercise over the others. Ha! Even the Best Picture winners can get cut off by the orchestra. That tells you how much they really think of the movie, eh?
But if you blinked, you missed perhaps the moment of the night that could’ve been THE MOMENT of the night, when the red-headed woman who sat next to Paul Haggis was jumping up and down, apparently jumping her bosom out of her dress. You can see a guy motioning to her, as she pulls her dress back up over her breasts, with the camera steady on her but perched just above breast height. Now that would’ve been a wardrobe malfunction. Of course, it was, but only for those who noticed.
Thank you for playing.
Red carpet blahs blasé…
And now for the big show.
:03. Opens with video of former hosts turning down the offer: Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a Brokeback tent, then Steve Martin with clone kids, Whoopi at a hotel room – “Oh, Hell no!” David Letterman babysitting Martin’s kids, Mel Gibson talking in ancient tongue, Mr. Moviefone passes on the invite. Pan up to Jon Stewart in bed with Halle Berry. Is it a dream? Yes. Then Stewart in bed with George Clooney. Is it dream? No. “Start the show.”
:06. Stewart enters stage center. Camera shows Keira Knightley seated next to Jack Nicholson. “Ladies, gentlemen, Felicity.” Stewart keeps to his typical mocking monologue, focusing his aim on Hollywood, the Democrats and gay cowboys. The audience reception is tepid, perhaps even cold compared to the kids who pack “Daily Show” tapings. But does Stewart really care? Probably not.
:16. Nicole Kidman presents the first Oscar of the night, for best supporting actor, and the oscar goes to George Clooney in Syriana. Hooray for him. This was a toss-up category (as it and best supporting actress usually are), considering the award could’ve gone to Matt Dillon (who won the Independent Spirit Award yesterday for his racist cop in Crash), Paul Giamatti (to make up for past oversights, an Academy tradition), William Hurt or Jake the gay cowboy. “OK, so I’m not winning director,” Clooney jokes. He continues to mock himself for knowing his obit now will read Oscar winner George Clooney instead of People’s Sexiest Man Alive or Batman. He paid tribute to the other nominees by wondering how one compares different roles as art. Finally, he paid tribute to being “out of touch” in Hollywood community if out of touch means being activists. “I’m proud to be part of this academy…proud to be out of touch.”
:25. Video of Tom Hanks demonstrating proper acceptance speech, only he gets a beat-down from the orchestra for going over time. Sorta funny, only not.
:27. Ben Stiller presents, in “green-screen” pajama suit or unitard, for visual effects. Funny funny funny. Nominees are Narnia, King Kong, War of the Worlds (I say Kong). And the Oscar goes to King Kong. Notice how they went back to the pre-2005 format, in which these guys get to have the walk up to the stage, instead of a group stand onstage or awards handed to them in the balcony! You didn’t read much about this in the pre-Oscars press, did you?
:31. Reese Witherspoon presents best animated feature, which better be Wallace & Gromit, is all I’m saying. And the Oscar goes to Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Sweet. Of course, Nick Park has won multiple Oscars for his Wallace & Gromit shorts, so this is a safe bet with the Academy voters. Park and his comrade put matching big bow ties on their Oscars. Hey, wait a second. I’ve met and talked to Nick Park in person. That means I know an Oscar winner! Hooray, me!
:35. Naomi Watts introduces best original song nominee Dolly Parton, with “Travelin’ Thru” from Transamerica. “All the way from Dollywood to Hollywood, what do you think about that?” Parton yells before singing.
:42, Back from commercial break, Stewart pretends to be midway through a sermon preaching Scientology. Also funny. You know what, this ceremony is becoming enjoyable to watch just for the random yet intricately planned comedic moments and tangents. Luke and Owen Wilson present best live-action short, and they mention their first short, Bottle Rocket, which provided them their big break into show bidness. All the nominees were available last week on iTunes, but I still knew nothing about them. And with that, the Oscar goes to Six Shooter. The Wilsons introduce two characters from Chicken Little to present best animated short. All the nominees look good. Still no clue. And the Oscar goes to The Moon and the Son. Guy says thanks for appreciating hand-drawn animation.
:49. Jen Aniston (I’m on Team Brangelina) presents best costume design. Nominees are Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (nice and fun), Memoirs of a Geisha (nice, but predictable), Mrs. Henderson Presents (wha?), Pride & Prejudice (c’mon now, really?), Walk The Line (1950s-60s!). And the Oscar goes to Geisha gowns. Yawn.
:52. Russell Crowe introduces montage of biopics.
:58. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell present for makeup, done up in horrible makeup jobs. Subversively funny, considering how Ferrell and Carell stay in character. Nominees are Narnia, Cinderella Man, Star Wars. Star Wars did the most, but the Oscar goes to Narnia duo. The guy takes all the time, leaving nothing for the gal. Boo.
1:02. Stewart makes a joke about makeup people trying to make it look as though Russell Crowe got into a fight. Jamie Foxx laughs it up, but a couple of seats away, no smile from Crowe pal Nicole Kidman. Then Stewart wonders if everyone got together and pulled down giant Oscar statue, if democracy would flourish in Hollywood. Ah, subtle satire. Cut to Rachel McAdams and the technical Oscars recap.
1:03. Morgan Freeman presents best supporting actress. Wow. Tough pick. Amy Adams (critical darling, little-seen film, but won the Independent Spirit Award yesterday), Catherine Keener (playing Harper Lee, author of one of my favorite books, but better in The 40-Year-Old Virgin), Frances McDormand (always good), Rachel Weisz (hot, won Globes and SAG) or Michelle Williams (very strong performance in a truly supporting role). And the Oscar goes to Rachel Weisz. So, no surprise here in a category that often produces the big surprise of the night.
1:12. Lauren Bacall talks up film noir, but is she having problems with the TelePrompter or what? Cue the montage. Phew, we made it through that possible mishap.
1:17. Stewart introduces a “Daily Show” look at the best actress category via mock political campaign ads for each woman.
1:21. Terrence Howard presents best documentary short. I missed the name of the winner checking something else online, but the woman thanks Academy for seating her next to Clooney at the nominee’s luncheon. Clooney, again, shows solid timing with his glance to the live camera.
1:22. Charlize Theron presents best documentary. Please, no penguins, please, penguins. Ouch. And the Oscar goes to March of the Penguins, a French film about, well, the annual march of the penguins, which is not all its cracked up to be, even if they did get Morgan Freeman to redo the narration. The producers bring up stuffed penguins.
1:24. J. Lo wears something traditional, looks great, not attempting to sing (even better!). She is here instead to intro song, “In The Deep,” from Crash. Oh, I remember this song now. Soft, touching, poignant even. Not that the movie was those things. Certainly, this category gives voters an interesting choice between this, Dolly Parton or the pimp rap song from Hustle & Flow.
1:32. Stewart gives halftime pep talk.
1:33. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves (who also arrived together!) present best art direction and set decoration. Nominees are Good Night, and Good Luck (ooh, black and white), Harry Potter (ooh, imaginative sets, yes!), King Kong (ooh, yes yes!), Memoirs of a Geisha (ooh, oh), Pride & Prejudice (ooh, seen that before). Potter or Kong, I say. But the Oscar goes to Geisha?! Academy must love them Japanese period pieces with Chinese actresses, saying, well, the movie bored us, but it was pretty to look at the costumes and the sets and the pretty Chinese women pretending to be Japanese.
1:37. Samuel L. Jackson (who like me, uses his middle L wisely) here to introduce another montage, this time on socio-political flicks. The clips remind me that there are two new 30th anniversary two-disc DVDs out for All The President’s Men and Network that I want to get, and think you should get, too! “And none of those issues were never a problem, again,” Stewart said afterward. Ah, satire. And a Susan Sarandon joke, too!
1:41. Academy guy here for the official mid-show introduction speech. Bathroom break!
1:44. Salma Hayek. If you ever get the chance to see Salma Hayek up close, please take advantage of the opportunity. One of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen, and even more gorgeous in person walking in front of you. Oh, right. Back to the actual ceremony. Hayek is here for best score, and introduces Itzhak Perlman, which I guess is what the announcer was hinting earlier as a surprise performance. Perlman performs a medley of the scores with the orchestra. And the Oscar goes to Brokeback Mountain, which, considering how much we’ve heard the score manipulated on the countless Brokeback trailer spoofs, makes the most sense to casual movie fans.
1:57. Stewart accuses Perlman of “finger-syncing” and Perlman, back in his seat, chuckles. Jake Gyllenhaal introduces montage of epics, with another not-so subtle declaration that you need to watch movies on the big screen, and not “your portable DVD.” Afterward, Stewart notes, “I cannot wait until we have the Oscar salute to montages.”
2:01. Jessica Alba and Eric Bana here for best sound mixing, which goes to King Kong. Solid choice.
2:04. Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep to present a special Oscar to Robert Altman. Much specialness ensues.
2:19. Ludacris introduces the Hustle & Flow song, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”
2:20. My ex calls. This will make blogging difficult, but thanks to DVR capabilities, not impossible.
2:24. Queen Latifah is excited to present best song to the P-I-M-P pimps.
2:29. Jennifer Garner almost trips and falls, presents best sound editing for Kong.
2:31. Clooney presents the annual death roll.
2:38. Will Smith presents best foreign film to Tsotsi, the South African entry.
2:42. Ziyi Zhang presents best film editing to Crash.
2:45. Hilary Swank, looking quite swanky, presents best actor. Tough to argue against Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Truman Capote, but the other guys were pretty good, too: Terrence Howard, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix and David Strathairn (but really, could we see a different clip of him for once?). And the Oscar goes to Capote. Called it. He really is overwhelmed, despite having won pretty much all of the other awards this season. Asked folks to congratulate his mom, “She brought up four kids by herself.” Touching.
2:55. Stewart asks for another round for the orchestra. He intros John Travolta (will he mention the Scientology crack, like Sean Penn responded to Chris Rock’s jokes last year about Jude Law? Nope). Best cinematography goes to Memoirs of a Geisha – again with the Geisha! They’re getting a lot of Oscar love tonight for no big nominations.
2:58. Jamie Foxx to present best actress, but mumbling something about the after-parties. Should come down to Reese Witherspoon or Felicity Huffman, but could they split the vote and allow Dame Judi Dench (no), Keira Knightley (no) or Charlize Theron (no) to sneak in with a win? And the Oscar goes to Reese Witherspoon. Again, called it back when the nominations came out. She is adorable and her acceptance is so, so precious and endearing.
3:08. Out comes Dustin Hoffman for adapted screenplay, which goes unsurprisingly to the Brokeback duo of Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry. Larry goes off on a big book riff, which is weird, since they adapted a New Yorker magazine piece.
3:13. Uma Thurman, for original screenplay, presents to Crash. Paul Haggis thanks the people who make big risks when the cameras aren’t rolling.
3:20. Tom Hanks comes out to Forrest Gump music?! He presents best director to (who wants to put money against Ang Lee? Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so) Ang Lee. His first words: “I wish I knew how to quit you,” thereby securing Lee the James Cameron Loser Line Award of the evening. Yes, you remember when Mr. Cameron belted out, “I’m king of the world,” upon accepting his directing Oscar for Titanic. And if you had forgotten, I apologize for reminding you.
3:22. Jack Nicholson gets the honor of presenting best picture, with tinted sunglasses. I said Capote was the best picture of 2005, but it’s up against Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Good Night, and Good Luck, and Munich. And the Oscar goes to Crash. WTF? You’re kidding, right? Witness the Academy patting itself on the back for picking this maudlin exercise over the others. Ha! Even the Best Picture winners can get cut off by the orchestra. That tells you how much they really think of the movie, eh?
But if you blinked, you missed perhaps the moment of the night that could’ve been THE MOMENT of the night, when the red-headed woman who sat next to Paul Haggis was jumping up and down, apparently jumping her bosom out of her dress. You can see a guy motioning to her, as she pulls her dress back up over her breasts, with the camera steady on her but perched just above breast height. Now that would’ve been a wardrobe malfunction. Of course, it was, but only for those who noticed.
Thank you for playing.
