2006 MTV Movie Awards
It’s not live. And it’ll air several more times. So why blog it? Because we can.
We open with a spoof on MI:III with Topher Grace and Flav helping out host Jessica Alba. Ho. Hum.
Roll the opening credits!
:05…Alba’s first costume is very suggestive. But the tease quickly turns into a skit with Andy Samberg on a remote screen and 40 Year Old Virgin’s Seth Rogan in the front row yapping on and on about Googling Jessica Alba. Yawn.
:08…The cast of Superman Returns presents for Best Hero. Hey, Brandon Routh’s shirt isn’t tucked in – the surreal package debate continues. And oh, those MTV Movie Awards and their oh-so different categories such as Best Hero. And look at this: Alba is nominated in the first category! How cute. Batman, er, Christian Bale wins. “I’m sorry Superman, but Batman, he’s the bad ass!” Bale tells Routh. Take that!
:18…We already had a commercial break, and now here is Anna Farris and Amanda Bynes with stereotypically lame intro chatter for the Breakthrough Performance category. Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, that’d be a solid choice. Nelly? Nah. The winner is Isla Fisher. See? I told you it was a solid choice. Plus, you don’t want to make Ali G. angry…she makes cute about how it wasn’t a stretch for her to play a psychotic nymphomaniac. And she reminds everyone she’s engaged. Borat!
:21…Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell. The Miami Vice clip they showed a half-hour earlier didn’t look so hot, but we’ll see. Jamie acts crazy. Colin acts cool. And now for your Best Fight award. That reminds me, Kung Fu Hustle has been sitting around my house in its Netflix envelope for far too long, which means Netflix likes me as a subscriber. The winners are Brangelina, mostly so they can make jokes about how they’re not there. And what’s this, another commercial? Do I really need to blog the whole show? Can’t I just wait until it replays later tonight, or tomorrow or this weekend?
:25…But one of these ads tells me that MTV is bringing back the claymation of Celebrity Deathmatch. Really? I must be getting too old for MTV, because that makes no sense.
:30…Eva Mendes and Justin Timberlake are out to present for Best Kiss. Will there be a kiss? No. Instead, they go on a run of Brokeback “ranch hand job” jokes. And “it’s the fealls” as Timberlake reads the envelope. Go figure. Sometimes, and by sometimes, I mean all times, MTV is even flimsier about the way it creates this little show. Some of these nominees, as you’re watching the clips, not just for kiss, but also any of the others, you think, really? These were the best (fill in the blanks) of the past year? Not really. MTV so obviously picks its nominees and winners based on who they want to be in the show. Sure, anyone with an eye for the show bidness will say, so what, all of the other TV networks do this all the time. But still. And even as I write this, there’s an unfunny pre-taped skit with Jimmy Fallon and Andy Dick spoofing Da Vinci Code with Alba.
And it’s long. Several minutes and the skit continues. Why is Chris Daughtry singing along in Heaven? Oh, wait.
:41…Borat! Finally, something amusing perhaps? “Good evening, gentlemen and prostitutes.” And he’s introducing Gnarls Barkley, going Crazy in Star Wars costumes. I was going to say having Chewie on drums is nice casting, but that stormtrooper on the bass? Simply sublime. It’s actually a subdued performance, so the costumes really make it worth watching.
:52…A bunch of celebs show up to present Best Villain, and by bunch, I mean Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson. Owen is the main voice in Cars, and let me tell you, all of the clips I’ve seen of that fail to impress. It’s Disney/Pixar, so it’s supposed to be good. The Hayden Vader? Well, he certainly is a villain to any Star Wars fan, so why not give him a fake thingy of popcorn for mucking up a mythic movie franchise? He did act very admirably in Shattered Glass, though, so we cannot put all the blame on him here, except for that dumb hat he’s wearing onstage.
:56…Still no nudity or near-nudity. MTV’s really cleaning up its act. Even with Famke and Rebecca teasing us with nude finger body painting. So we’re left with Sexiest Performance. Jessica Alba as a non-stripping stripper, Beyonce seducing Steve Martin, Ziyi Zhang playing Japanese, Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Dukes, and Deuce Bigalow???? They reward the host, Miss Alba. Did I mention she played a non-stripping stripper? Yes, she’s sexy and all. Just saying the girl was supposed to be a stripper and she never took off her clothes. At least we made it halfway through this shindig.
1:06…Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale from the upcoming Click – which looks like a big summer box-office smasheroo – are here to list the Best Performance nominees. Terence Howard as a rapping pimp, Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash, Steve Carell as a 40-year-old virgin, Rachel McAdams as an unlucky airline passenger, Jake playing gay cowboy and liking it a little too much, or Joaquin channeling Johnny Cash…as they say, who ya got? I didn’t have Jake as my pick, but there you go.
1:09…Alba as a real estate agent in lingerie with King Kong, which is great if you like Alba in lingerie, but not if you like great moments in acting.
1:12…Rap’s multi-platinum king: T.I.? I need to catch up on my rap, apparently. But not right now, because Mr. Tiger Inn is only here to introduce Xtina Aguilera, who is vamping it up old-old-school style. The way the light is shining through her white skirt lets you see all the way to dirrrrty! Hold on, fellas. One of her dancers not named Federline ripped off her skirt, revealing she indeed is properly covered. I think Xtina is winning that career battle with Britney, don’t you? Who would’ve guessed that a few years ago? And they cut to Jessica Simpson clapping and looking dumbfounded, as if that’s a tough look for her to pull off.
1:19…Neutrogena sponsors a look inside the awards show. Didn’t they do something similar at the Oscars? No, wait. That was the People’s Choice or one of them thar other shows.
1:23…Finally, the fake NASCAR characters show up for Will Ferrell’s annual hambone spectacular MTV spotlight showcase. No, he doesn’t pee his pants this year. Yes, there is a technical malfunction. And Vince Vaughn should win for Best Comedic Performance. But he doesn’t. It’s Steve Carell. OK. He is funny. Much funnier than in the movie. And his many thank yous are humorously heartfelt.
1:29…L.L. Cool J is still around. Who knew? He’s here to remind the young MTV viewers about Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing.
1:38…Alba brings the unfunny (not her fault, I know) with speed-as-drug references to introduce Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, who have a movie to promote and keep talking even past the point of saying Uncle. Best Onscreen Team goes to Vince and Owen as wedding crashers. Vince has a movie to promote, too, but he’s not at this high-profile gig. Instead, he’s on a remote screen with a taped speech.
1:43…Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson intro AFI. Dane: “This next band is going to rock your balls off!” Jessica: “What if you don’t have balls?” Dane: “This next band is going to rock your taint off!” So yes, you can say taint on MTV. Screaming ensues.
1:52…Rosario Dawson and Ludacris are here, and the show is almost over, you an make it if I can! Best Frightened Performance. “One of my favorite awards,” Rosario says. Yes, who screams best? Apparently, Jennifer Carpenter does. She thanks “everyone who voted.” Right. There was voting. Didn’t you get the memo?
1:55…Another Farrell, Ferrell or Carell is onstage, but just to present a big special award to Jim Carrey. I’m not sure what the name of this award is, but I think it’s the Thanks to You and Your Annual Performances on our Show, We Still Have an MTV Movie Awards Show Award. And Mr. Carrey enters all Kanye like in flowing white robes followed by a bunch of people in giant white angel outfits. The dance of the happy genitalia? Statusphere? Nice to see a comic who can still be so fearless after all of those years.
2:03…Up next? Why does my TV menu say the show was supposed to end after two hours, especially since they taped this a few days ago, and should know how long the show is by now??? Why do you torment me, MTV? I want my MTV back! You know, the old MTV. The good one. No. The other good one.
2:09…Zach Braff is here to present student filmmaking awards. I’m glad they went over time for this. Am I sincere or sarcastic? No matter. They’ve clearly edited this portion.
2:10…Samuel L. Jackson. No snakes nor planes in sight. What was the Best Movie of the year? “I am guaranteeing that Snakes on a Plane will win Best Movie next year!” Jackson proclaims. Talk about embracing the cult! But first, another movie gets its glory, and it’s…Wedding Crashers. Another quick edit. And yet, they couldn’t cut some of the pre-taped crap from earlier in the program? I don’t get it.
2:15…It’s over. Thank goodness. And yet, if you want to see more, you can. Online. On demand. I can’t wait. Am I sincere or sarcastic? No matter.
We open with a spoof on MI:III with Topher Grace and Flav helping out host Jessica Alba. Ho. Hum.
Roll the opening credits!
:05…Alba’s first costume is very suggestive. But the tease quickly turns into a skit with Andy Samberg on a remote screen and 40 Year Old Virgin’s Seth Rogan in the front row yapping on and on about Googling Jessica Alba. Yawn.
:08…The cast of Superman Returns presents for Best Hero. Hey, Brandon Routh’s shirt isn’t tucked in – the surreal package debate continues. And oh, those MTV Movie Awards and their oh-so different categories such as Best Hero. And look at this: Alba is nominated in the first category! How cute. Batman, er, Christian Bale wins. “I’m sorry Superman, but Batman, he’s the bad ass!” Bale tells Routh. Take that!
:18…We already had a commercial break, and now here is Anna Farris and Amanda Bynes with stereotypically lame intro chatter for the Breakthrough Performance category. Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, that’d be a solid choice. Nelly? Nah. The winner is Isla Fisher. See? I told you it was a solid choice. Plus, you don’t want to make Ali G. angry…she makes cute about how it wasn’t a stretch for her to play a psychotic nymphomaniac. And she reminds everyone she’s engaged. Borat!
:21…Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell. The Miami Vice clip they showed a half-hour earlier didn’t look so hot, but we’ll see. Jamie acts crazy. Colin acts cool. And now for your Best Fight award. That reminds me, Kung Fu Hustle has been sitting around my house in its Netflix envelope for far too long, which means Netflix likes me as a subscriber. The winners are Brangelina, mostly so they can make jokes about how they’re not there. And what’s this, another commercial? Do I really need to blog the whole show? Can’t I just wait until it replays later tonight, or tomorrow or this weekend?
:25…But one of these ads tells me that MTV is bringing back the claymation of Celebrity Deathmatch. Really? I must be getting too old for MTV, because that makes no sense.
:30…Eva Mendes and Justin Timberlake are out to present for Best Kiss. Will there be a kiss? No. Instead, they go on a run of Brokeback “ranch hand job” jokes. And “it’s the fealls” as Timberlake reads the envelope. Go figure. Sometimes, and by sometimes, I mean all times, MTV is even flimsier about the way it creates this little show. Some of these nominees, as you’re watching the clips, not just for kiss, but also any of the others, you think, really? These were the best (fill in the blanks) of the past year? Not really. MTV so obviously picks its nominees and winners based on who they want to be in the show. Sure, anyone with an eye for the show bidness will say, so what, all of the other TV networks do this all the time. But still. And even as I write this, there’s an unfunny pre-taped skit with Jimmy Fallon and Andy Dick spoofing Da Vinci Code with Alba.
And it’s long. Several minutes and the skit continues. Why is Chris Daughtry singing along in Heaven? Oh, wait.
:41…Borat! Finally, something amusing perhaps? “Good evening, gentlemen and prostitutes.” And he’s introducing Gnarls Barkley, going Crazy in Star Wars costumes. I was going to say having Chewie on drums is nice casting, but that stormtrooper on the bass? Simply sublime. It’s actually a subdued performance, so the costumes really make it worth watching.
:52…A bunch of celebs show up to present Best Villain, and by bunch, I mean Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson. Owen is the main voice in Cars, and let me tell you, all of the clips I’ve seen of that fail to impress. It’s Disney/Pixar, so it’s supposed to be good. The Hayden Vader? Well, he certainly is a villain to any Star Wars fan, so why not give him a fake thingy of popcorn for mucking up a mythic movie franchise? He did act very admirably in Shattered Glass, though, so we cannot put all the blame on him here, except for that dumb hat he’s wearing onstage.
:56…Still no nudity or near-nudity. MTV’s really cleaning up its act. Even with Famke and Rebecca teasing us with nude finger body painting. So we’re left with Sexiest Performance. Jessica Alba as a non-stripping stripper, Beyonce seducing Steve Martin, Ziyi Zhang playing Japanese, Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Dukes, and Deuce Bigalow???? They reward the host, Miss Alba. Did I mention she played a non-stripping stripper? Yes, she’s sexy and all. Just saying the girl was supposed to be a stripper and she never took off her clothes. At least we made it halfway through this shindig.
1:06…Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale from the upcoming Click – which looks like a big summer box-office smasheroo – are here to list the Best Performance nominees. Terence Howard as a rapping pimp, Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash, Steve Carell as a 40-year-old virgin, Rachel McAdams as an unlucky airline passenger, Jake playing gay cowboy and liking it a little too much, or Joaquin channeling Johnny Cash…as they say, who ya got? I didn’t have Jake as my pick, but there you go.
1:09…Alba as a real estate agent in lingerie with King Kong, which is great if you like Alba in lingerie, but not if you like great moments in acting.
1:12…Rap’s multi-platinum king: T.I.? I need to catch up on my rap, apparently. But not right now, because Mr. Tiger Inn is only here to introduce Xtina Aguilera, who is vamping it up old-old-school style. The way the light is shining through her white skirt lets you see all the way to dirrrrty! Hold on, fellas. One of her dancers not named Federline ripped off her skirt, revealing she indeed is properly covered. I think Xtina is winning that career battle with Britney, don’t you? Who would’ve guessed that a few years ago? And they cut to Jessica Simpson clapping and looking dumbfounded, as if that’s a tough look for her to pull off.
1:19…Neutrogena sponsors a look inside the awards show. Didn’t they do something similar at the Oscars? No, wait. That was the People’s Choice or one of them thar other shows.
1:23…Finally, the fake NASCAR characters show up for Will Ferrell’s annual hambone spectacular MTV spotlight showcase. No, he doesn’t pee his pants this year. Yes, there is a technical malfunction. And Vince Vaughn should win for Best Comedic Performance. But he doesn’t. It’s Steve Carell. OK. He is funny. Much funnier than in the movie. And his many thank yous are humorously heartfelt.
1:29…L.L. Cool J is still around. Who knew? He’s here to remind the young MTV viewers about Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing.
1:38…Alba brings the unfunny (not her fault, I know) with speed-as-drug references to introduce Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, who have a movie to promote and keep talking even past the point of saying Uncle. Best Onscreen Team goes to Vince and Owen as wedding crashers. Vince has a movie to promote, too, but he’s not at this high-profile gig. Instead, he’s on a remote screen with a taped speech.
1:43…Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson intro AFI. Dane: “This next band is going to rock your balls off!” Jessica: “What if you don’t have balls?” Dane: “This next band is going to rock your taint off!” So yes, you can say taint on MTV. Screaming ensues.
1:52…Rosario Dawson and Ludacris are here, and the show is almost over, you an make it if I can! Best Frightened Performance. “One of my favorite awards,” Rosario says. Yes, who screams best? Apparently, Jennifer Carpenter does. She thanks “everyone who voted.” Right. There was voting. Didn’t you get the memo?
1:55…Another Farrell, Ferrell or Carell is onstage, but just to present a big special award to Jim Carrey. I’m not sure what the name of this award is, but I think it’s the Thanks to You and Your Annual Performances on our Show, We Still Have an MTV Movie Awards Show Award. And Mr. Carrey enters all Kanye like in flowing white robes followed by a bunch of people in giant white angel outfits. The dance of the happy genitalia? Statusphere? Nice to see a comic who can still be so fearless after all of those years.
2:03…Up next? Why does my TV menu say the show was supposed to end after two hours, especially since they taped this a few days ago, and should know how long the show is by now??? Why do you torment me, MTV? I want my MTV back! You know, the old MTV. The good one. No. The other good one.
2:09…Zach Braff is here to present student filmmaking awards. I’m glad they went over time for this. Am I sincere or sarcastic? No matter. They’ve clearly edited this portion.
2:10…Samuel L. Jackson. No snakes nor planes in sight. What was the Best Movie of the year? “I am guaranteeing that Snakes on a Plane will win Best Movie next year!” Jackson proclaims. Talk about embracing the cult! But first, another movie gets its glory, and it’s…Wedding Crashers. Another quick edit. And yet, they couldn’t cut some of the pre-taped crap from earlier in the program? I don’t get it.
2:15…It’s over. Thank goodness. And yet, if you want to see more, you can. Online. On demand. I can’t wait. Am I sincere or sarcastic? No matter.
How funny, i love your comments and sarcasm.
I'm a serious? No matter.
--RC of strangeculture.blogspot.com
Posted by
RC |
10:49 AM