The Grammys, telecast on CBS
Two years ago, the Grammys opened with Prince and Beyonce, which announced Prince was back, but worries abounded throughout the show about Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, since it came right after their Super Bowl stunt.
Last year, the Grammys opened with five nominated acts, including Gwen Stefani, announcing her new solo look and her Harajuku Girls – and now her shtick has her waiting to see if she'll earn a Grammy.
So here we are, and the show opened with Gorillaz, an animated act with low-key rebellion, although they had an assist from three rappers (De La Soul) who slipped in a “f--- that s---” line, then an animated Madonna into a real-life Madonna.
By the way, a pre-game note: Ryan Seacrest needs to be out. And yes, I mean that both ways.
And what’s with networks using award ceremonies to trot out their own primetime actors as presenters to promote their own shows? I know it’s not a new trend, but still, it’s a trend that has to go away like the dodo. Jennifer Love Hewitt, the Ghost Whisperer, at least she wants to be a pop star. But Jenna Elfman? Ugh.
Love that the Grammys have so many categories, that they need to scroll them across the bottom of the screen. Blink, you miss it.
Love that there still is a polka category. That means people are still producing new polka works, at least enough to fill the category. What about the guys who don’t get nominated. That’s like finishing sixth in your age group in a 5K race, and there are only six guys running.
Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder are on now, but before they present an award, they dilly dally and break into song, “Higher Ground.” One verse, anyhow. I suppose this is better than most pre-scripted award show banter.
First award of the telecast: Female pop vocal – Kelly Clarkson, “Since U Been Gone.” So if you were tuned into
American Idol a few channels over, here’s your chance to tie it all in. A good choice, though. Fits the category better than the other nominees.
Hey, Nicole Kidman is sitting with Keith Urban. So there goes that rumor. For today, anyhow.
And now, Coldplay, with Chris Martin saying something witty about being “too loud” the last time they were on the Grammys and so now, just one guitarist “and here is he is, about to do his business” (chuckle chuckle). Just play your little song.
And…we’re back.
John Legend, “Ordinary People.” Extraordinary performer.
Followed immediately by Sugarland, who don’t benefit from the same build-up interview segment and have bad feedback. Literally. Sounds just like any other country act. Or make that like ordinary people. How’s that for a juxtaposition?!
Then the Sugarland singer shows up with Big & Rich to say that Merle Haggard gets a lifetime achievement award. You get a lifetime achievement award! You get a lifetime achievement award! No, wait. That’s Oprah’s line.
Best Country Album goes to who cares, since it won’t match seeing Loretta Lynn drag Jack White onstage and show him who’s his momma.
And…we’re back.
U2 does “Vertigo” (was that the Target logo I saw in the background?), then “One” (now that that’s the poverty campaign song) and brings out Mary J. Blige (didn’t they do this duet last year? What say you Google? Yes, they did, for the Katrina benefit telecast) Although did you notice the different “one” signs above them? At the end, the word “coexist” showed up on the display, but in Prince-Rebus style, taking the c, x, and t and using Muslim, Jewish and Christian symbols!
Now a David Bowie lifetime achievement award announcement.
Best Rap Album goes to…this is a tough one. All biggies (but none from Biggie). Common, Missy, Eminem, 50, Kanye. Who you got? The Grammy goes to Kanye West. Is this a sign of more to come, or is this a consolation prize?
OK. What’s with the shades and the black gloves? Uh, bad joke alert. “I had no idea, no idea,” he says, pulling out a “THANK YOU LIST” (we know this because his piece of paper says “THANK YOU LIST”). Thank yous go to Jay-Z, so they show Beyonce. Nice work, crew! You’re even funnier than the news networks at a Republican National Convention.
And…we’re back.
Ben Roethlisberger gets some Big Ben Boobirds. He introduces someone else whose dream has come true – cue the American Idol interview footage with Kelly Clarkson, fade out to Kelly Clarkson performing. Methinks she has convinced even more people to watch this season of Idol. But not now. Tonight’s episode just ended, anyhow.
Billie Joe Armstrong wishes Les Paul well. Gwen Stefani notes that Green Day won Best Rock Album for “American Idiot,” most likely to remind Grammy voters that they shouldn’t get to vote for it this year for Record of the Year against her! “Thanks, Gwen,” Billie Joe says.
U2 wins this year’s Best Rock Album. Big Surprise. The Grammys have loved U2 every year in this decade, it seems. Edge notes they already got two awards pre-show.
And…we’re back.
Ellen DeGeneres says this next performer needs no introduction, then exits from whence she arrived, making way for Paul McCartney. He plays a new song, and we all play along. Then he says this is his first time playing the Grammys: “Have I finally passed the audition?” Yes, we know the reference. Thank you. And into “Helter Skelter” we go. He sounds much better here than he did a year ago at the Super Bowl, in case you keep track of such matters.
The Black Eyed Peas phunk with your heart and your head by having to notify us that they won a Grammy. Yes, we get it. You’re somehow legit. And yet, you have Jennifer Love Hewitt standing with you, wearing that fugly hairdo and frumpy dress. We think they announced another lifetime achievement award, but we kept looking to see if Fergie peed her pants. And now they’re handing out an award. Best Male R&B Performance goes to John Legend. That makes how many for him? At least two, since he won Best R&B Album in pre-show. But they’re playing music to try to get him to scoot. Phew. No worries.
Hey, wait a minute. Speaking of pre-show awards, they gave Best Alternative Album to the White Stripes, which we can get behind, of course, but why not give that out during the show? Ugh.
And…we’re back.
Mariah the Pariah is talking about her troubled childhood. “I’m grateful to God for giving me this gift.” No, no diva here. And here she is, singing “We Belong Together.” And yes, she actually has clothing on more than a quarter of her body. Her implants still look bad. Is that Randy Jackson onstage with her playing guitar? Yikes! Mariah is singing another song, with a fake reverend doing spoken word – and here comes the choir, which means it’s an official Mariah Carey performance. Yo, dawg. Dawg, dawg, dawg. “Carry me home.”
Teri Hatcher cannot be serious in that dress. Well, she cannot be serious usually. She is no J. Lo., and Michael Buble is no David Duchovny. But they’re presenting Best Vocal Album, so we have to pay attention. Sort of. Kelly Clarkson wins. She uses her speech to say how much she loves Bonnie Raitt, and keeps mentioning how she isn’t crying. Which means it makes sense for the music to cue her to go. Where was that music when Mariah was singing?
And we’re back. Jenna Elfman says Owen Bradley gets a trustee’s award. Whatever that means. Is it like a lifetime achievement award? Dharma also introduces Faith Hill and Keith Urban. Wait. Not Tim McGraw? Does Nicole Kidman know about this? Oh, they’re performing separate solo songs. Nicole probably doesn’t care, anyhow. All she’s thinking is, Tom Cruise has a pregnant Katie (er, Kate?) Holmes, and she has Keith Urban. She wins. No, check that. Not Nicole winning. But Keith Urban has joined Faith Hill during her song. Does Tim McGraw know about this? At the end of the song, the camera cuts to a smiling, clapping McGraw. Coast is clear. Santana is onstage saying something or other about Mo Astin and a president’s merit award. We tried but failed to win the Presidential Award in elementary school, not because of pull-ups or shuttle runs, but because our short legs hindered us in the standing broad jump. But we digress.
Best collaboration goes to Jay-Z and Linkin Park for “Encore.” Nice call again. So far, the telecast awards sound right on.
Most of the ads include Grammy nominees and music, and they’re also more watchable than many of this past week’s Super Bowl ads. What does that say about the hyping of Super Bowl ads?
And…we’re back.
Dave Chappelle walks up, and his M.I.A. Comedy Central show featured great hip-hop each episode. “I know I have the country confused.”
They cut, inexplicably to Tom Hanks, who is sitting next to Nicole Kidman!?
Chappelle welcomes Sly Stone, but first, the curtain rises to show Joss Stone, John Legend and another guy whose name we didn’t catch because of applause, but it sounded like Hunt. “It’s A Family Affair.” Uh oh. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are standing in wait behind them. Monster jam coming. Fantasia and some tattooed guy whose name we don’t catch because more applause drowns it out (Devin Lima? Who is Devin Lima? Devin Lima from LFO – Lyte Funky Ones? We thought this was an all-star tribute!). Yes, that is Randy Jackson onstage playing guitar. Let’s play how many American Idol references during the show. “Here’s Maroon 5 and Ciara.” They do part of “Everyday People.” “Please welcome Will.I.Am.” And he raps over “Dance to the Music.” Now it’s time for Tyler, Perry and Robert Randolph. Sly then makes a rare appearance with a giant blond Mohawk and shimmering knee-length jacket, plays part of the jam, then saunters off just as he sauntered on. That’s how you remain an enigma, people.
And…we’re back.
LL Cool J talking up Robert Johnson, another lifetime achievement award winner.
But here it comes. Jay-Z and Linkin Park do “Encore,” only in the middle, Chester breaks into “Yesterday” and out walks Sir Paul McCartney for an encore. Nice! Now Jay-Z’s John Lennon T-shirt underneath his white suit seems as foreshadowing as we should’ve expected it to be. “Sounds so beautiful, don’t you agree?” Jay-Z says at the end.
The Sly Stone tribute was good enough, but this was far, far better than that, or than last year’s severely over-hyped hear-it-tonight, buy-it-tomorrow-on-iTunes “Across the Universe” tune.
And…we’re back.
Tom Hanks and his silly Da Vinci Code semi-mullet talks up The Weavers – wait, lemme guess, another lifetime achievement award. But Hanks then welcomes Bruce Springsteen, so we’ll let the hairdo slide so the Boss can solo acoustic on “Devils & Dust.” At the song’s end, Bruce yells, “Bring ‘em home!” He means the troops, silly.
About an hour left, but this is shaping up to be an all-star quality awards show. Don’t jinx it!
Destiny’s Child walks up to present an award, but none of them trip on their dresses. Song of the Year – Rascal Flatts, Springsteen, John Legend, U2 or Mariah Carey. And the Grammy goes to U2. Again, not a surprise. But the arena begins playing “We Belong Together.” Now that is a surprise! We said DON’T JINX IT!
Bono: “If you think this is going to go to our head…too late!” He says his father was the atomic bomb mentioned in the band’s album title, “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.” So don’t go thinking Bono is getting to get all preachy, even though The Edge was wondering if he needed to cut in. It’s OK. It’s going to be OK.
And…we’re back.
Kanye West says start the five second delay. Alrighty! “Welcome to Halftime at the Grammys. K.W. State versus J….F.U.!” It’s “Gold Digger,” ladies and gentlemen, with two marching bands. Sounds like Kanye and Jaime Foxx agreed not to drop the N word, and Kanye is working so hard, he also skips the H word, as in Hyundai. But go ahead, guy, go ahead, get down! Kanye West is trying to steal the show two years in a row, and he looks like he just might do it, as the Gold Diggers dance team comes out, followed by the Broke Phi Broke dance squad, which for you “Late Registration” owners, knows is a nice segue on the disc anyhow, and Kanye is back out after a costume change with Mr. Foxx to “Touch the Sky” for a brief chorus.
How are Sheryl Crow and Sting supposed to follow that? Oh, they’re only talking, about Cream – hold on, another lifetime achievement award, perhaps? Yes, that’s the ticket! And now onto Record of the Year. The nominees: Mariah Carey, Gorillaz, Green Day, Gwen Stefani, and Kanye West. Who ya got? We got…Green Day? Let’s see if Billie Joe Armstrong is as modest now as a winner as he was earlier in the show as a presenter. “Oh my God. This record has been out two years, or almost two years, something like that,” he says. Yes, that qualifies as modest. He also acknowledges “a very big deal” for pop radio to be playing rock music.
Only two categories remain (best new artist and album o’ the year) but more than two performances still have to hit the stage, so let’s go to commercials. Oh, we could’ve finished in under three hours, and yet. And yet.
And…we’re back.
With Terrence Howard, because Jessye Norman gets a lifetime achievement award. But that moment passes because we have Herbie Hancock with Christina Aguilera, although why did Terrence have a difficult time saying Xtina was a three-time Grammy winner? Xtina doesn’t look dirrrty at all. Girl gone done cleaned up good. Sounds good, too. Married life must be treating her right.
And…we’re back.
Best New Artist. Fiona Apple, Chuck D and Common on hand to present. This tends to be a wild card category. But the Grammy goes to…John Legend.
Time for the who died last year roll call. Hold your applause – no applause meter in effect at the Grammys.
Queen Latifah is here to talk about Richard Pryor. Lifetime achievement award? Yep. In case you were wondering, the Grammys do have a comedy category. Chris Rock won this year for “Never Scared.” Other nominees were Rick Moranis, the cast of “Family Guy,” Lewis Black and Larry the Cable Guy.
And…we’re back.
Bonnie Raitt and James Taylor get to announce winner Steve Lillywhite as producer of the year, non-classical. They call out Al Schmitt as a trustee award winner. Finally, Album of the Year. Mariah? Sir Paul? Gwen? U2? Kanye?
The Grammy goes to…U2. Again, not a surprise. The old Grammys would’ve honored Sir Paul McCartney, because they like to be late to the party. U2 put out a good one. Kanye deserved to win. Bono says this is their second win, but noted the band lost the category twice before. “Kanye, you’re next,” Bono says. He also says nice things about the other nominees. Lillywhite produced the U2 disc.
It’s not over, though.
A Grammy guy comes out to introduce the New Orleans jam and talks on and on about the importance of New Orleans to our music (which is true), but coming at the end of the show, we’re done. Bonnie Raitt, The Edge, Elvis Costello, Dr. John and others start the all-star finale jam session. Sam Moore and Springsteen join in for “In the Midnight Hour.”
For all of the nominees and winners, go to the official Grammys site
here.
POSTSCRIPT
So we were right. Kanye’s win in Rap Album was a consolation prize. He also got Grammys for best rap solo (“Gold Digger”) and best rap song (“Diamonds from Sierra Leone”).
U2 was the big winner with five Grammys.
John Legend got three Grammys, same as Mariah, but she got hers all in the pre-show, so no chance for the diva to go Glitter on us.
Kelly Clarkson got to take the stage for both of her Grammy wins. She really is the first American Idol.
