The Big Show Blog

64th annual Golden Globe Awards

2007-01-15T23:11:00.000-05:00

8:00 p.m., Another forgettable NBC intro, to the tune of “One Night Only” (“Dreamgirls,” get it?) for your basic celebrity red carpet waving montage.

8:02 p.m., George Clooney is out front first to present. He bobs his head to the music, as if to signal it’s OK to let loose. Clooney, presenting the Best Supporting Actress movie award, also gets in the first insider joke by announcing that Leonardo DiCaprio won the category. But it’s time to cue the “Dreamgirls” music again, as Jennifer Hudson wins. Take that, Simon Cowell!
“I have always dreamed, but never ever this big,” Hudson said, adding later: “You don’t know how much this does for my confidence.” The audience laughs. Only she didn’t mean it as a joke. She figured it out.

8:05 p.m., Justin Timberlake is out to present best song in a motion picture. Bryan Adams is up for this? Against Prince, Seal and Sheryl Crow? JT makes a Leo crack, too, but it’s Prince who wins for real. A lot of awkward camera movements follow, as no one knows where the Purpled One is. JT slouches to “accept this award on his behalf” and gets the laugh he didn’t get for trying to horn in on Clooney’s joke.

8:11 p.m., How awkward to see Jack Nicholson hitting on, er, I mean waving at his daughter, this year’s Miss Golden Globes!

8:12 p.m., Jeremy Irons wins the best TV supporting actor category for an HBO movie and gives little Nicholson a peck on the cheek – that cheeky devil!

8:15 p.m., Tina Fey and David Spade present “least humorous” (oh, drama) TV actress. Kyra Sedgwick wins for “The Closer,” which is odd, since her character probably has the funniest of the nominated roles here. I saw her in the Ritz-Carlton a couple of months ago. That was funny/odd, too, because she came out of the elevator and walked right past me as I was waiting to interview someone else. She looked great. Just saying.

8:18 p.m., Nancy O’Dell says blah blah…Maria Menounos! Maria talks to Kyra some more for her instant reaction, killing time leading into the first commercial break.

8:28 p.m., Wait. Did the old guy just say that Clint Eastwood, Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep already have won, even though their categories haven’t come up yet???? Hmmm. This could be weird. Or did the guy onstage merely say that Eastwood, Nicholson and Streep have won many times before? Was I supposed to pay attention to this?

8:28 p.m., Jessica Biel and Sean Combs talk up the supporting actress, TV edition. Change the subject. That’s a good idea. Emily Blunt wins. Once again, the regular primetime TV actors lose out to a cable/miniseries/movie actor. For Blunt, however, this sure makes up for losing in the movie category 26 minutes earlier!

8:31 p.m., The cast of “Heroes” is onstage together “in their regular time slot” to take care of best actor, TV drama. Tough competition here. Hugh Laurie wins for “House.” “I am speechless! I am literally without a speech!” But away he goes with a witty little bit.

8:42 p.m., Steve Carell says he’s introducing a new category? Oh. Best animated movie. And “Cars” wins? Yawn.

8:46 p.m., Movie actress, comedy or musical. It should be Meryl Streep, don’t you think? Of course it is. “I think I’ve worked with everybody in the room,” Streep joked. She pulls out a list. “Oh shut up. It’s not that long.” And she’s quite funny. And at the end, she puts in a word for the arthouse movies that don’t get screened because every cinema is showing “The Devil Wears Prada.” That should make my former colleague, Jim Verniere, happy. He has made getting more arthouse screens in Boston his big issue.

8:56 p.m., Our look at Borat!

8:56 p.m., Our look at Salma Hayek!!! Yummy. Best miniseries or TV movie. As if you saw any of these. Let’s look again at Salma Hayek. She says “Elizabeth I” won. It was on HBO. So it wasn’t TV.

9 p.m., Rachel Weisz here to present movie supporting actor. Hey, I do see Prince! He’s here, after all! Sitting behind Eddie Murphy. Who wins it. This is a “Dreamgirls” night, it looks like. Will he say something about James Brown? Um, no. Oh well.

9:07 p.m. to 9:22 p.m., I’m sorry. This is the bathroom break portion of the show. They didn’t announce it as such, but it’s turning out that way, until Alec Baldwin wins for TV comedy actor for his always-funny performances on “30 Rock.” Nice going.

9:30 p.m., TV comedy series: “Ugly Betty?” Another blow for the sitcom format. Then again, another look at Salma Hayek!

9:36 p.m., Foreign language film, otherwise known as the category that includes Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. Clint wins. So maybe the old guy really did tip the Globes’ hand? No, Jack didn’t win. “Letters from Iwo Jima.” Clint: “You don’t know what this does to my confidence.” Nice callback.

9:46 p.m., Hugh Grant asks Prince to stand up and take a bow for his earlier win, since he was stuck in traffic (apparently, at least that’s what Grant said in vouching for him). Grant and Drew Barrymore present best movie score for “The Painted Veil.”

9:49 p.m., Only one sitcom actress represented in the TV comedy category. But neither old nor new Christine can beat out Ugly Betty, Miss America Ferrara. Maybe the foreign press corps are getting in any kind of foreign props they can? It is a good show. But still. She gives a heartfelt speech.

9:58 p.m., Tom Hanks calls out the HFPA as cuckoo, crazy wacky nuts, citing 1962 award for Warren Beatty as most promising newcomer. Then Hanks says “what balls this man has.” “And by balls, I mean artistic vision.” It’s the tribute award. Beatty calls out both Eastwood and Nicholson for showing him up by continuing to produce great work. “I asked Arnold to be a Democrat. He did what I said.” That got laughs and applause.

10:21 p.m., Dustin Hoffman came out and noted that “Ishtar” was on for “oh point five seconds.” He’s here to introduce clips for “Little Miss Sunshine.”

10:24 p.m., Steven Spielberg is out for best director, and Marty gets his due for “The Departed.” “Oh, my, a heckuva time,” Marty says as he notes he’s talking faster than normal, so who knows exactly what he’s saying. But the Boston media should get a happy headline, right?

10:28 p.m., Reese Witherspoon is out with best movie actor in the comedy/music group. Sacha Baron Cohen wins for Borat. How will he play it? “This movie was a life-changing experience.” He talks about the darkest ugliest side of America, otherwise known as “the anus and testicles of my co-star.” Baron Cohen then goes into even more details about getting sat on by his naked co-star, all the while thinking he better win an award for it. So he played it straight and still was uproarious. A nod to Oscar voters? No matter. He has his Golden Globe.

10:36 p.m., Oh, geez. Dane Cook is onstage.

10:37 p.m., J. Lo is here for the funny/musical movie presentation. “Dreamgirls.” No surprise after both Hudson and Murphy won their awards, really.

10:43 p.m., TV drama: “Grey’s Anatomy.” Now I need to call Javi. It’s about to be his birthday. And he told me once that he went to film school with the show’s creator.

10:45 p.m., Movie drama actress: The buzz was on Dame Helen Mirren. The buzz was right. That’s two wins tonight for Mirren. She won tonight for playing both QEI and QEII. How about them apples?

10:52 p.m., Movie drama actor: Two Leos cannot beat a Forest, and Forest Whitaker, who won most previous critics awards for his work in “The Last King of Scotland,” arrives to accept his award and really is taken aback by the moment. This is what you call speechless, Mr. Laurie.

11:00 p.m., Gov. Ahnold walks out on crutches for the final award, best movie drama. C’mon…Oh. “Babel.” Cue the music. We’re running late. Oh, Ahnold. Did you have to end with a “We’ll be back!”?

Too late. See you at the next awards show.

2006 Emmy Awards

2006-08-28T16:53:00.000-04:00

Nothing makes a human decide to ditch live-blogging for a “sleep on it” review faster than the sight of Ryan Seacrest (E!) and Billy Bush (NBC) engaged in a contest to see who can reveal a more inappropriate lack of knowledge about Hollywood. Almost as if both men decided, “Hey, nobody cares about the Emmys, so why should we?”
Well…why should we?
Um.
Er.
Um.
Er.
A swag-bag scandal? Tom Cruise vs. Paramount: Who you got? Really, this is the best we can do, people? The telecast itself managed to come in on-time, just under three hours, thereby saving Bob Newhart from an untimely death. But a lot of it had a been there, done that, seen it all before feel to it. The opening montage (which reminds you, how long ago was it that Billy Crystal and the Oscars put their host in the pictures?) did get in some early jabs with a cameo by Lost’s Hurley (“Well, we weren’t exactly invited”), a drop-in with The Office that included an inside joke for fans, visits with 24 and House and NBC’s To Catch a Predator, but the best was South Park, with a revised version of the “Trapped in the Closet” episode (yes, with Tom Cruise).

Conan O’Brien’s monologue? Self-deprecating, but also self-network deprecating – NBC, from first to “in the top five!”

Other highlights…
Megan Mullally wins (again), cries (probably again) for supporting actress, comedy prize. Presenter Ellen Pompeo looked nice, but then she opened her mouth. Why does everyone keep calling the pizza boy Dr. McDreamy?
Alan Alda doesn’t show up, sparing us an acceptance speech (hooray!) for supporting actor, drama.
But Julia Louis-Dreyfuss looks good for her 40s! No, really. She does.
Here come the Sheens, with supporting actress drama, for Blythe Danner, another repeat winner. Very Emmy, these repeat winners. Perhaps that’s why no one watches the Emmys.
As for supporting actor, comedy? Jeremy Piven. No hugging it out. Just the first good lines in an acceptance speech, saying he has to work, keeping it real, keeping it simple. We might just make it on-time. We might just do it. You know. I suddenly realize this morning rewatching the video why the Emmys are such a bore (even with Conan O’Brien and his writing crew on the job). All of these awards for miniseries and cable movies that no one watched. It’s like the portion of the Oscars that honors the short films. It’s a big moment for those involved, but it has very little appeal for us watching at home. Unless we have Comcast On Demand and can watch some of this stuff, I suppose. But that doesn’t help tonight. Fast forward, we go!
Multiple awards for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, again, in the variety categories. But they deserve it. The comedy directing and writing winners (both for the My Name is Earl pilot) both have good lines in their acceptance speeches. Greg Garcia cited people he would not like to thank: His eighth-grade social studies teacher, his boss on “Step By Step,” and “finally God, I’m sure you’re partially responsible in some way, but you took my hair. Not cool. Not cool, man.”
A few new Apple ads with Mac vs. PC, and with each one, we’re reminded that the PC guy is funny, so why should we buy a Mac again???
The Dick Clark tribute, with Dick Clark. And Barry Manilow. Who, after the break, wins for best individual performance in a variety show, beating out Stephen Colbert. Even Manilow looks shocked.
Then a bunch of blah blah blah.
The variety writing nominees, as in previous years, produce funny nominee bits.

Hugh Laurie, in English, American or French, is funny. Andre Braugher wins for best actor in a miniseries for a show that actually was a series, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it? I’m confused.
Tony Shaloub wins (again) best comedy actor for Monk, then says he “never wins anything”??? I’m still confused.
The Aaron Spelling tribute, without Spelling, of course, but with repeated cutaways to the mother-daughter catfighters. Dynasty, anyone? How about the original Charlie’s Angels? Time has not been kind to two of the angels, but Jaclyn Smith….wow!
Blah blah blah.
Colbert and Stewart can make even awards-show banter seem funny, “Wolverine I could’ve lost to, he has claws for hands!” Colbert yelps. BTW, The Amazing Race wins the reality show category, which it has accomplished every year the category has been included in the Emmys.

Katherine Heigl. Hit the mute button! Hit the mute button! Phew, better.
More miniseries categories?!
Mariska Hargitay wins best dramatic acting, and her SVU partner is going to be pissed in a few minutes when he gets the snub.
But first, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss wins best comedy acting. “I’m not somebody who really believes in curses, but curse this, baby!” she starts in her speech. Her fear of forgetting somebody really important gets multiple video cues to her husband, Brad Hall.
Kiefer Sutherland wins best dramatic acting for 24. “My father is sitting over there. Hi. We’re going to have to have dinner now.”
Newhart is out of his cage! And he gets to present the best comedy award to The Office. Which means fewer people will watch it now and NBC will cancel it. Great. Just great. Conan pumps his fists. Why? In a minute or so, The Office’s speech-maker says Conan and I were roommates 20 years ago. Plus a shoutout to Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant for creating the BBC original masterpiece.
24 wins best drama. Which means it’s day is numbered, too. But we can worry about that some other day. It’s almost time for the MTV VMA’s, isn’t it? That should provide plenty of unintentional hilarity. It better.

Snakes on a Plane

2006-08-18T00:02:00.000-04:00

The minute-by-minute cheat sheet and entertainment guide for Snakes on a Plane.

New Line title screen: Cheers! Further applause from the crowd when everyone realizes, no more previews!
:01...More applause for the name on the screen: Samuel L. Jackson. Even more applause for the title: Snakes on a Plane. Camera pans along the shores of a Hawaiian island. Audience chants "snakes, snakes, snakes."
:03...Credits still rolling. Someone shouts: "Where are the snakes already?!"
:04...A Red Bull can. The shout: "Product placement!"
:05...Horribly awful rip-off of Al Capone and the baseball bat scene from The Untouchables. Lots of blood splatter. "Clean this up!" the bad guy says. Only they don't?
:06...Samuel L. Jackson to the rescue! Another wave of cheers and applause. (Someone two rows in front of me begins snapping flash photos. Really? Really.)
:07...The lone witness (Sean!) to the crazy murder in minute 5 tells Sam (er, Agent Flynn) that he didn't report the crime because he knew of police corruption, which he only learned on the TV news moments earlier, so that doesn't make any sense. But I digress.
:08...Sam delivers his first monologue. Note the familiar way he repeats the words "Make no mistake!" Sadly, no motherf---ers in this speech.
:10...First appearance by Kenan Thompson as Troy. Applause. Kenan/Troy works for some rapper, who just told a little white boy, "Stay black!" Seriously. We also see the flight attendants. Julianna Margulies tells us it's her last flight and she hopes for no troubles. How cliche.
:14...David Koechner is the pilot. Or the co-pilot. Either way, the audience knows right away that there'll be some comic gold coming.
:18...The bad guy practices his martial arts. Tells a henchman: "You think I haven't exhausted every option!" Yes, only when you've exhausted all of your other options do you think of terrorizing a plane with poisonous snakes. He was going to go with sharks, but he couldn't figure out the logistics.
:21...The obviously gay flight attendant guy gets chuckles from the audience during the obligatory airplane safety speech. But it's the shot of the plane in the air that gets the round of applause.
:23...Your first scene with snakes!
:25...A shot of a countdown clock. T-minus 3 minutes! Count along, why dontcha?
:28...3...2...1...and they're out! The snakes are out! And what's this...SNAKE VISION! There goes the kitty! A young nubile couple heads for a bathroom to join the Mile High Club. But the guy also wants to smoke a joint. Do you smell trouble, too?
:29...You asked for it, you got your R-rated nudity. Boobies!
:30...MORE SNAKE VISION! SNAKES ON A JUGULAR! SNAKES ON JUGS! Two down, several more to go.
:31...Snakes are eating the wires. That prompts the first "Mayday!" from the cockpit.
:33...Another guy heads to the lavatory to take a leak. You know what's slithering up the toilet to greet him. SNAKES ON A PENIS! Other shots in the main cabin show more snakes sneaking up on unsuspecting passengers. One goes up the fat lady's dress. Ick. They wouldn't.
:37...SNAKES ON A CAPTAIN!
:40...Snakes ahoy! Put a snake over your own mouth, then over the mouth of the small child next to you. Then again, no. SNAKES IN A BARF BAG! SNAKES ON YOUR EYE!
:41...Sam's partner gets bit. And bit. And bit.
:42...Sam gets his first glimpse of a snake, and what does he do? Toss it aside! Then he Tasers two other snakey snakes! The crowd goes nuts!
:43...Passengers stampede up the aisle. One guy goes down. High heel in the ear! Hey, we thought this was snakes on a plane. No one warned us about high heel in the ear!
:44...The gay guy throws a snake in the microwave. "Who's dying now, bitch!" Hoots and hollers.
:45...Sam gives the passengers instructions. We all know who'd be in charge, didn't we?
:46...MORE SNAKE VISION! But the kickboxer comes to the hot girl's aid. Is he going to kick the snakes? No such luck. Maybe if you yell at him enough, he will. Or maybe they should reshoot that, too!
:50...Sam's partner dies. Is that a tear we see on your face? Sam, you're getting soft!
:51...Koechner gets off a funny line about if something doesn't happen fast, the plane is going down "like a Thai hooker." Obligatory query: Is there a doctor on this flight? Well, yes and no, my dear. Yes BUT no. Not any more.
:52...Sam delivers lines you heard in the trailer. Of all the gin joints in the world and all of the terror threats we planned for, we never planned for this. Or something like that. Get 'em, Bogey! Er, I mean Sam. Er, I mean Agent Flynn. Meanwhile, back in Coach...who's going to suck the venom out of the big black guy's ass. Aw, hell no!
:53...The nice Latina mother sucks the venom out of the little kid's arm. Big black guy says that's more like it.
:55...You want to fight off the snakes with sporks? SPORKS!
:58...Watch for Sam's response on the airphone: "Well, that's good news....Snakes on Crack!"
:59...What would you say if the snake geek on the other end of the phone says this to you: "Make it fast, time is tissue!" Instead, Sam gives the big we've all got to stick together speech you've seen and heard on most preview clips.
1:01...SNAKES ON A CO-PILOT!
1:05...Even more snakes on the loose. Who invited the snake from Anaconda? Well, he's here. And he's hungry. SNAKE ON A DOG! SNAKE ON THE BAD BRITISH GUY'S HEAD!1:08...What's this? The co-pilot is down, but not out!
1:14...You got my gun? Oh no, you didn't.
1:17...Why is it so dark all of a sudden? Who's the prankster who turned out the lights so we can't even see the motherf---ing snakes! No, he doesn't say this. Keep waiting.
1:20...Sam torches a few snakes. The power's back on.
1:21...We've found the Man With the Snake Plan. And we're not happy with you, sir. You and your dastardly plan. And ha, a snake bit you. Now I bet you'll help us, right. But first, a lame FBI agent repeats Sam's first speech from minute 8. Who does he think he is?
1:24...Everything's going to be OK?
1:25...Nope. SNAKES IN THE COCKPIT!
1:26...Kenan with your gut so bright (because your shirt is so orange), won't you guide our sleigh tonight!
1:27...THE LINE YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Our crowd gives Samuel L. Jackson a standing O for saying the line the fans wanted him to say all along: "I've had it with these motherf---ing snakes on this motherf---ing plane!" What's your response?
1:28...You're going to shoot the windows? I suppose that's one way to get rid of the snakes. I don't know if that's the way I would've gone with that, considering we all could get sucked out of the plane, too, but hey, you're Samuel L. Jackson, so I'm just going to have to trust you on this one.
1:29...Kenan takes the wheel. "Aw, this s--- is bananas!" Yes, Kenan, it is.
1:34...The eagle has landed. I mean, the snake plane has landed!
1:36...As my colleague Jim just said, "What just happened?" Well, a main character seemingly dies without warning, but not really.
1:37...What do you mean, the gay guy isn't gay???
1:38...Maybe they should've called it Snakes on a Love Plane. It's a regular Love Connection around here.
1:39...Sam on a surfboard? Roll the credits! Cue the applause! And here's the music video from Cobra Starship, for "Bring It."
1:44...And now this is the fan song? Can barely hear the fan song over the fan racket as everyone files out and gives their insta-reviews.
1:45...As the credits end, the obligatory note that no animals were harmed during filming. Yeah, but what about the snakes? And the dignity of Hollywood? Oh, right.

My DVR died!

2006-08-14T23:16:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is a tangential post. But still. My DVR officially died last week, taking with a few Big Show Blogworthy programs that I meant to watch again and post for posterity. Not going to happen now. Oh well. Live and learn. The best way to handle The Big Show Blog? Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

2006 MTV Movie Awards

2006-06-08T23:24:00.000-04:00

It’s not live. And it’ll air several more times. So why blog it? Because we can.
We open with a spoof on MI:III with Topher Grace and Flav helping out host Jessica Alba. Ho. Hum.
Roll the opening credits!

:05…Alba’s first costume is very suggestive. But the tease quickly turns into a skit with Andy Samberg on a remote screen and 40 Year Old Virgin’s Seth Rogan in the front row yapping on and on about Googling Jessica Alba. Yawn.

:08…The cast of Superman Returns presents for Best Hero. Hey, Brandon Routh’s shirt isn’t tucked in – the surreal package debate continues. And oh, those MTV Movie Awards and their oh-so different categories such as Best Hero. And look at this: Alba is nominated in the first category! How cute. Batman, er, Christian Bale wins. “I’m sorry Superman, but Batman, he’s the bad ass!” Bale tells Routh. Take that!

:18…We already had a commercial break, and now here is Anna Farris and Amanda Bynes with stereotypically lame intro chatter for the Breakthrough Performance category. Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers, that’d be a solid choice. Nelly? Nah. The winner is Isla Fisher. See? I told you it was a solid choice. Plus, you don’t want to make Ali G. angry…she makes cute about how it wasn’t a stretch for her to play a psychotic nymphomaniac. And she reminds everyone she’s engaged. Borat!

:21…Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell. The Miami Vice clip they showed a half-hour earlier didn’t look so hot, but we’ll see. Jamie acts crazy. Colin acts cool. And now for your Best Fight award. That reminds me, Kung Fu Hustle has been sitting around my house in its Netflix envelope for far too long, which means Netflix likes me as a subscriber. The winners are Brangelina, mostly so they can make jokes about how they’re not there. And what’s this, another commercial? Do I really need to blog the whole show? Can’t I just wait until it replays later tonight, or tomorrow or this weekend?

:25…But one of these ads tells me that MTV is bringing back the claymation of Celebrity Deathmatch. Really? I must be getting too old for MTV, because that makes no sense.

:30…Eva Mendes and Justin Timberlake are out to present for Best Kiss. Will there be a kiss? No. Instead, they go on a run of Brokeback “ranch hand job” jokes. And “it’s the fealls” as Timberlake reads the envelope. Go figure. Sometimes, and by sometimes, I mean all times, MTV is even flimsier about the way it creates this little show. Some of these nominees, as you’re watching the clips, not just for kiss, but also any of the others, you think, really? These were the best (fill in the blanks) of the past year? Not really. MTV so obviously picks its nominees and winners based on who they want to be in the show. Sure, anyone with an eye for the show bidness will say, so what, all of the other TV networks do this all the time. But still. And even as I write this, there’s an unfunny pre-taped skit with Jimmy Fallon and Andy Dick spoofing Da Vinci Code with Alba.
And it’s long. Several minutes and the skit continues. Why is Chris Daughtry singing along in Heaven? Oh, wait.

:41…Borat! Finally, something amusing perhaps? “Good evening, gentlemen and prostitutes.” And he’s introducing Gnarls Barkley, going Crazy in Star Wars costumes. I was going to say having Chewie on drums is nice casting, but that stormtrooper on the bass? Simply sublime. It’s actually a subdued performance, so the costumes really make it worth watching.

:52…A bunch of celebs show up to present Best Villain, and by bunch, I mean Matt Dillon, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson. Owen is the main voice in Cars, and let me tell you, all of the clips I’ve seen of that fail to impress. It’s Disney/Pixar, so it’s supposed to be good. The Hayden Vader? Well, he certainly is a villain to any Star Wars fan, so why not give him a fake thingy of popcorn for mucking up a mythic movie franchise? He did act very admirably in Shattered Glass, though, so we cannot put all the blame on him here, except for that dumb hat he’s wearing onstage.

:56…Still no nudity or near-nudity. MTV’s really cleaning up its act. Even with Famke and Rebecca teasing us with nude finger body painting. So we’re left with Sexiest Performance. Jessica Alba as a non-stripping stripper, Beyonce seducing Steve Martin, Ziyi Zhang playing Japanese, Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Dukes, and Deuce Bigalow???? They reward the host, Miss Alba. Did I mention she played a non-stripping stripper? Yes, she’s sexy and all. Just saying the girl was supposed to be a stripper and she never took off her clothes. At least we made it halfway through this shindig.

1:06…Adam Sandler and Kate Beckinsale from the upcoming Click – which looks like a big summer box-office smasheroo – are here to list the Best Performance nominees. Terence Howard as a rapping pimp, Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash, Steve Carell as a 40-year-old virgin, Rachel McAdams as an unlucky airline passenger, Jake playing gay cowboy and liking it a little too much, or Joaquin channeling Johnny Cash…as they say, who ya got? I didn’t have Jake as my pick, but there you go.

1:09…Alba as a real estate agent in lingerie with King Kong, which is great if you like Alba in lingerie, but not if you like great moments in acting.

1:12…Rap’s multi-platinum king: T.I.? I need to catch up on my rap, apparently. But not right now, because Mr. Tiger Inn is only here to introduce Xtina Aguilera, who is vamping it up old-old-school style. The way the light is shining through her white skirt lets you see all the way to dirrrrty! Hold on, fellas. One of her dancers not named Federline ripped off her skirt, revealing she indeed is properly covered. I think Xtina is winning that career battle with Britney, don’t you? Who would’ve guessed that a few years ago? And they cut to Jessica Simpson clapping and looking dumbfounded, as if that’s a tough look for her to pull off.

1:19…Neutrogena sponsors a look inside the awards show. Didn’t they do something similar at the Oscars? No, wait. That was the People’s Choice or one of them thar other shows.

1:23…Finally, the fake NASCAR characters show up for Will Ferrell’s annual hambone spectacular MTV spotlight showcase. No, he doesn’t pee his pants this year. Yes, there is a technical malfunction. And Vince Vaughn should win for Best Comedic Performance. But he doesn’t. It’s Steve Carell. OK. He is funny. Much funnier than in the movie. And his many thank yous are humorously heartfelt.

1:29…L.L. Cool J is still around. Who knew? He’s here to remind the young MTV viewers about Spike Lee’s Do The Right Thing.

1:38…Alba brings the unfunny (not her fault, I know) with speed-as-drug references to introduce Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves, who have a movie to promote and keep talking even past the point of saying Uncle. Best Onscreen Team goes to Vince and Owen as wedding crashers. Vince has a movie to promote, too, but he’s not at this high-profile gig. Instead, he’s on a remote screen with a taped speech.

1:43…Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson intro AFI. Dane: “This next band is going to rock your balls off!” Jessica: “What if you don’t have balls?” Dane: “This next band is going to rock your taint off!” So yes, you can say taint on MTV. Screaming ensues.

1:52…Rosario Dawson and Ludacris are here, and the show is almost over, you an make it if I can! Best Frightened Performance. “One of my favorite awards,” Rosario says. Yes, who screams best? Apparently, Jennifer Carpenter does. She thanks “everyone who voted.” Right. There was voting. Didn’t you get the memo?

1:55…Another Farrell, Ferrell or Carell is onstage, but just to present a big special award to Jim Carrey. I’m not sure what the name of this award is, but I think it’s the Thanks to You and Your Annual Performances on our Show, We Still Have an MTV Movie Awards Show Award. And Mr. Carrey enters all Kanye like in flowing white robes followed by a bunch of people in giant white angel outfits. The dance of the happy genitalia? Statusphere? Nice to see a comic who can still be so fearless after all of those years.

2:03…Up next? Why does my TV menu say the show was supposed to end after two hours, especially since they taped this a few days ago, and should know how long the show is by now??? Why do you torment me, MTV? I want my MTV back! You know, the old MTV. The good one. No. The other good one.

2:09…Zach Braff is here to present student filmmaking awards. I’m glad they went over time for this. Am I sincere or sarcastic? No matter. They’ve clearly edited this portion.

2:10…Samuel L. Jackson. No snakes nor planes in sight. What was the Best Movie of the year? “I am guaranteeing that Snakes on a Plane will win Best Movie next year!” Jackson proclaims. Talk about embracing the cult! But first, another movie gets its glory, and it’s…Wedding Crashers. Another quick edit. And yet, they couldn’t cut some of the pre-taped crap from earlier in the program? I don’t get it.

2:15…It’s over. Thank goodness. And yet, if you want to see more, you can. Online. On demand. I can’t wait. Am I sincere or sarcastic? No matter.

78th Academy Awards

2006-03-05T23:43:00.000-05:00

Oscars 2006
Red carpet blahs blasé…
And now for the big show.
:03. Opens with video of former hosts turning down the offer: Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a Brokeback tent, then Steve Martin with clone kids, Whoopi at a hotel room – “Oh, Hell no!” David Letterman babysitting Martin’s kids, Mel Gibson talking in ancient tongue, Mr. Moviefone passes on the invite. Pan up to Jon Stewart in bed with Halle Berry. Is it a dream? Yes. Then Stewart in bed with George Clooney. Is it dream? No. “Start the show.”

:06. Stewart enters stage center. Camera shows Keira Knightley seated next to Jack Nicholson. “Ladies, gentlemen, Felicity.” Stewart keeps to his typical mocking monologue, focusing his aim on Hollywood, the Democrats and gay cowboys. The audience reception is tepid, perhaps even cold compared to the kids who pack “Daily Show” tapings. But does Stewart really care? Probably not.

:16. Nicole Kidman presents the first Oscar of the night, for best supporting actor, and the oscar goes to George Clooney in Syriana. Hooray for him. This was a toss-up category (as it and best supporting actress usually are), considering the award could’ve gone to Matt Dillon (who won the Independent Spirit Award yesterday for his racist cop in Crash), Paul Giamatti (to make up for past oversights, an Academy tradition), William Hurt or Jake the gay cowboy. “OK, so I’m not winning director,” Clooney jokes. He continues to mock himself for knowing his obit now will read Oscar winner George Clooney instead of People’s Sexiest Man Alive or Batman. He paid tribute to the other nominees by wondering how one compares different roles as art. Finally, he paid tribute to being “out of touch” in Hollywood community if out of touch means being activists. “I’m proud to be part of this academy…proud to be out of touch.”

:25. Video of Tom Hanks demonstrating proper acceptance speech, only he gets a beat-down from the orchestra for going over time. Sorta funny, only not.

:27. Ben Stiller presents, in “green-screen” pajama suit or unitard, for visual effects. Funny funny funny. Nominees are Narnia, King Kong, War of the Worlds (I say Kong). And the Oscar goes to King Kong. Notice how they went back to the pre-2005 format, in which these guys get to have the walk up to the stage, instead of a group stand onstage or awards handed to them in the balcony! You didn’t read much about this in the pre-Oscars press, did you?

:31. Reese Witherspoon presents best animated feature, which better be Wallace & Gromit, is all I’m saying. And the Oscar goes to Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Sweet. Of course, Nick Park has won multiple Oscars for his Wallace & Gromit shorts, so this is a safe bet with the Academy voters. Park and his comrade put matching big bow ties on their Oscars. Hey, wait a second. I’ve met and talked to Nick Park in person. That means I know an Oscar winner! Hooray, me!

:35. Naomi Watts introduces best original song nominee Dolly Parton, with “Travelin’ Thru” from Transamerica. “All the way from Dollywood to Hollywood, what do you think about that?” Parton yells before singing.

:42, Back from commercial break, Stewart pretends to be midway through a sermon preaching Scientology. Also funny. You know what, this ceremony is becoming enjoyable to watch just for the random yet intricately planned comedic moments and tangents. Luke and Owen Wilson present best live-action short, and they mention their first short, Bottle Rocket, which provided them their big break into show bidness. All the nominees were available last week on iTunes, but I still knew nothing about them. And with that, the Oscar goes to Six Shooter. The Wilsons introduce two characters from Chicken Little to present best animated short. All the nominees look good. Still no clue. And the Oscar goes to The Moon and the Son. Guy says thanks for appreciating hand-drawn animation.

:49. Jen Aniston (I’m on Team Brangelina) presents best costume design. Nominees are Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (nice and fun), Memoirs of a Geisha (nice, but predictable), Mrs. Henderson Presents (wha?), Pride & Prejudice (c’mon now, really?), Walk The Line (1950s-60s!). And the Oscar goes to Geisha gowns. Yawn.

:52. Russell Crowe introduces montage of biopics.

:58. Will Ferrell and Steve Carell present for makeup, done up in horrible makeup jobs. Subversively funny, considering how Ferrell and Carell stay in character. Nominees are Narnia, Cinderella Man, Star Wars. Star Wars did the most, but the Oscar goes to Narnia duo. The guy takes all the time, leaving nothing for the gal. Boo.

1:02. Stewart makes a joke about makeup people trying to make it look as though Russell Crowe got into a fight. Jamie Foxx laughs it up, but a couple of seats away, no smile from Crowe pal Nicole Kidman. Then Stewart wonders if everyone got together and pulled down giant Oscar statue, if democracy would flourish in Hollywood. Ah, subtle satire. Cut to Rachel McAdams and the technical Oscars recap.

1:03. Morgan Freeman presents best supporting actress. Wow. Tough pick. Amy Adams (critical darling, little-seen film, but won the Independent Spirit Award yesterday), Catherine Keener (playing Harper Lee, author of one of my favorite books, but better in The 40-Year-Old Virgin), Frances McDormand (always good), Rachel Weisz (hot, won Globes and SAG) or Michelle Williams (very strong performance in a truly supporting role). And the Oscar goes to Rachel Weisz. So, no surprise here in a category that often produces the big surprise of the night.

1:12. Lauren Bacall talks up film noir, but is she having problems with the TelePrompter or what? Cue the montage. Phew, we made it through that possible mishap.

1:17. Stewart introduces a “Daily Show” look at the best actress category via mock political campaign ads for each woman.

1:21. Terrence Howard presents best documentary short. I missed the name of the winner checking something else online, but the woman thanks Academy for seating her next to Clooney at the nominee’s luncheon. Clooney, again, shows solid timing with his glance to the live camera.

1:22. Charlize Theron presents best documentary. Please, no penguins, please, penguins. Ouch. And the Oscar goes to March of the Penguins, a French film about, well, the annual march of the penguins, which is not all its cracked up to be, even if they did get Morgan Freeman to redo the narration. The producers bring up stuffed penguins.

1:24. J. Lo wears something traditional, looks great, not attempting to sing (even better!). She is here instead to intro song, “In The Deep,” from Crash. Oh, I remember this song now. Soft, touching, poignant even. Not that the movie was those things. Certainly, this category gives voters an interesting choice between this, Dolly Parton or the pimp rap song from Hustle & Flow.

1:32. Stewart gives halftime pep talk.

1:33. Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves (who also arrived together!) present best art direction and set decoration. Nominees are Good Night, and Good Luck (ooh, black and white), Harry Potter (ooh, imaginative sets, yes!), King Kong (ooh, yes yes!), Memoirs of a Geisha (ooh, oh), Pride & Prejudice (ooh, seen that before). Potter or Kong, I say. But the Oscar goes to Geisha?! Academy must love them Japanese period pieces with Chinese actresses, saying, well, the movie bored us, but it was pretty to look at the costumes and the sets and the pretty Chinese women pretending to be Japanese.

1:37. Samuel L. Jackson (who like me, uses his middle L wisely) here to introduce another montage, this time on socio-political flicks. The clips remind me that there are two new 30th anniversary two-disc DVDs out for All The President’s Men and Network that I want to get, and think you should get, too! “And none of those issues were never a problem, again,” Stewart said afterward. Ah, satire. And a Susan Sarandon joke, too!

1:41. Academy guy here for the official mid-show introduction speech. Bathroom break!

1:44. Salma Hayek. If you ever get the chance to see Salma Hayek up close, please take advantage of the opportunity. One of the most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen, and even more gorgeous in person walking in front of you. Oh, right. Back to the actual ceremony. Hayek is here for best score, and introduces Itzhak Perlman, which I guess is what the announcer was hinting earlier as a surprise performance. Perlman performs a medley of the scores with the orchestra. And the Oscar goes to Brokeback Mountain, which, considering how much we’ve heard the score manipulated on the countless Brokeback trailer spoofs, makes the most sense to casual movie fans.

1:57. Stewart accuses Perlman of “finger-syncing” and Perlman, back in his seat, chuckles. Jake Gyllenhaal introduces montage of epics, with another not-so subtle declaration that you need to watch movies on the big screen, and not “your portable DVD.” Afterward, Stewart notes, “I cannot wait until we have the Oscar salute to montages.”

2:01. Jessica Alba and Eric Bana here for best sound mixing, which goes to King Kong. Solid choice.

2:04. Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep to present a special Oscar to Robert Altman. Much specialness ensues.

2:19. Ludacris introduces the Hustle & Flow song, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp.”

2:20. My ex calls. This will make blogging difficult, but thanks to DVR capabilities, not impossible.

2:24. Queen Latifah is excited to present best song to the P-I-M-P pimps.

2:29. Jennifer Garner almost trips and falls, presents best sound editing for Kong.

2:31. Clooney presents the annual death roll.

2:38. Will Smith presents best foreign film to Tsotsi, the South African entry.

2:42. Ziyi Zhang presents best film editing to Crash.

2:45. Hilary Swank, looking quite swanky, presents best actor. Tough to argue against Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Truman Capote, but the other guys were pretty good, too: Terrence Howard, Heath Ledger, Joaquin Phoenix and David Strathairn (but really, could we see a different clip of him for once?). And the Oscar goes to Capote. Called it. He really is overwhelmed, despite having won pretty much all of the other awards this season. Asked folks to congratulate his mom, “She brought up four kids by herself.” Touching.

2:55. Stewart asks for another round for the orchestra. He intros John Travolta (will he mention the Scientology crack, like Sean Penn responded to Chris Rock’s jokes last year about Jude Law? Nope). Best cinematography goes to Memoirs of a Geisha – again with the Geisha! They’re getting a lot of Oscar love tonight for no big nominations.

2:58. Jamie Foxx to present best actress, but mumbling something about the after-parties. Should come down to Reese Witherspoon or Felicity Huffman, but could they split the vote and allow Dame Judi Dench (no), Keira Knightley (no) or Charlize Theron (no) to sneak in with a win? And the Oscar goes to Reese Witherspoon. Again, called it back when the nominations came out. She is adorable and her acceptance is so, so precious and endearing.

3:08. Out comes Dustin Hoffman for adapted screenplay, which goes unsurprisingly to the Brokeback duo of Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry. Larry goes off on a big book riff, which is weird, since they adapted a New Yorker magazine piece.

3:13. Uma Thurman, for original screenplay, presents to Crash. Paul Haggis thanks the people who make big risks when the cameras aren’t rolling.

3:20. Tom Hanks comes out to Forrest Gump music?! He presents best director to (who wants to put money against Ang Lee? Anyone? Anyone? Didn’t think so) Ang Lee. His first words: “I wish I knew how to quit you,” thereby securing Lee the James Cameron Loser Line Award of the evening. Yes, you remember when Mr. Cameron belted out, “I’m king of the world,” upon accepting his directing Oscar for Titanic. And if you had forgotten, I apologize for reminding you.

3:22. Jack Nicholson gets the honor of presenting best picture, with tinted sunglasses. I said Capote was the best picture of 2005, but it’s up against Brokeback Mountain, Crash, Good Night, and Good Luck, and Munich. And the Oscar goes to Crash. WTF? You’re kidding, right? Witness the Academy patting itself on the back for picking this maudlin exercise over the others. Ha! Even the Best Picture winners can get cut off by the orchestra. That tells you how much they really think of the movie, eh?

But if you blinked, you missed perhaps the moment of the night that could’ve been THE MOMENT of the night, when the red-headed woman who sat next to Paul Haggis was jumping up and down, apparently jumping her bosom out of her dress. You can see a guy motioning to her, as she pulls her dress back up over her breasts, with the camera steady on her but perched just above breast height. Now that would’ve been a wardrobe malfunction. Of course, it was, but only for those who noticed.
Thank you for playing.

Archival additions

2006-02-21T00:24:00.000-05:00

Just a note to readers: I've dug into the archives to find two other full liveblogs of recent note, for better or worse. If you want, take a trip back...

1) To January, for the first morning of David Lee Roth's tenure in syndicated radio. Let it live in infamy.

2) To July 2005, for the epic Live 8 concerts, better viewed online than on TV.

More entries to come. Promise.

VIDEO: Jay-Z, Linkin Park, Sir Paul McCartney at the Grammys

2006-02-09T03:32:00.000-05:00

Or was this your favorite moment?

VIDEO: Kanye West and Jamie Foxx at the 2006 Grammys

2006-02-09T03:28:00.000-05:00

Was this your favorite moment from the Grammys?

48th annual Grammy Awards (2006)

2006-02-08T23:37:00.000-05:00

The Grammys, telecast on CBS

Two years ago, the Grammys opened with Prince and Beyonce, which announced Prince was back, but worries abounded throughout the show about Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake, since it came right after their Super Bowl stunt.
Last year, the Grammys opened with five nominated acts, including Gwen Stefani, announcing her new solo look and her Harajuku Girls – and now her shtick has her waiting to see if she'll earn a Grammy.
So here we are, and the show opened with Gorillaz, an animated act with low-key rebellion, although they had an assist from three rappers (De La Soul) who slipped in a “f--- that s---” line, then an animated Madonna into a real-life Madonna.
By the way, a pre-game note: Ryan Seacrest needs to be out. And yes, I mean that both ways.
And what’s with networks using award ceremonies to trot out their own primetime actors as presenters to promote their own shows? I know it’s not a new trend, but still, it’s a trend that has to go away like the dodo. Jennifer Love Hewitt, the Ghost Whisperer, at least she wants to be a pop star. But Jenna Elfman? Ugh.
Love that the Grammys have so many categories, that they need to scroll them across the bottom of the screen. Blink, you miss it.
Love that there still is a polka category. That means people are still producing new polka works, at least enough to fill the category. What about the guys who don’t get nominated. That’s like finishing sixth in your age group in a 5K race, and there are only six guys running.
Alicia Keys and Stevie Wonder are on now, but before they present an award, they dilly dally and break into song, “Higher Ground.” One verse, anyhow. I suppose this is better than most pre-scripted award show banter.
First award of the telecast: Female pop vocal – Kelly Clarkson, “Since U Been Gone.” So if you were tuned into American Idol a few channels over, here’s your chance to tie it all in. A good choice, though. Fits the category better than the other nominees.
Hey, Nicole Kidman is sitting with Keith Urban. So there goes that rumor. For today, anyhow.
And now, Coldplay, with Chris Martin saying something witty about being “too loud” the last time they were on the Grammys and so now, just one guitarist “and here is he is, about to do his business” (chuckle chuckle). Just play your little song.
And…we’re back.
John Legend, “Ordinary People.” Extraordinary performer.
Followed immediately by Sugarland, who don’t benefit from the same build-up interview segment and have bad feedback. Literally. Sounds just like any other country act. Or make that like ordinary people. How’s that for a juxtaposition?!
Then the Sugarland singer shows up with Big & Rich to say that Merle Haggard gets a lifetime achievement award. You get a lifetime achievement award! You get a lifetime achievement award! No, wait. That’s Oprah’s line.
Best Country Album goes to who cares, since it won’t match seeing Loretta Lynn drag Jack White onstage and show him who’s his momma.
And…we’re back.
U2 does “Vertigo” (was that the Target logo I saw in the background?), then “One” (now that that’s the poverty campaign song) and brings out Mary J. Blige (didn’t they do this duet last year? What say you Google? Yes, they did, for the Katrina benefit telecast) Although did you notice the different “one” signs above them? At the end, the word “coexist” showed up on the display, but in Prince-Rebus style, taking the c, x, and t and using Muslim, Jewish and Christian symbols!
Now a David Bowie lifetime achievement award announcement.
Best Rap Album goes to…this is a tough one. All biggies (but none from Biggie). Common, Missy, Eminem, 50, Kanye. Who you got? The Grammy goes to Kanye West. Is this a sign of more to come, or is this a consolation prize?
OK. What’s with the shades and the black gloves? Uh, bad joke alert. “I had no idea, no idea,” he says, pulling out a “THANK YOU LIST” (we know this because his piece of paper says “THANK YOU LIST”). Thank yous go to Jay-Z, so they show Beyonce. Nice work, crew! You’re even funnier than the news networks at a Republican National Convention.
And…we’re back.
Ben Roethlisberger gets some Big Ben Boobirds. He introduces someone else whose dream has come true – cue the American Idol interview footage with Kelly Clarkson, fade out to Kelly Clarkson performing. Methinks she has convinced even more people to watch this season of Idol. But not now. Tonight’s episode just ended, anyhow.
Billie Joe Armstrong wishes Les Paul well. Gwen Stefani notes that Green Day won Best Rock Album for “American Idiot,” most likely to remind Grammy voters that they shouldn’t get to vote for it this year for Record of the Year against her! “Thanks, Gwen,” Billie Joe says.
U2 wins this year’s Best Rock Album. Big Surprise. The Grammys have loved U2 every year in this decade, it seems. Edge notes they already got two awards pre-show.
And…we’re back.
Ellen DeGeneres says this next performer needs no introduction, then exits from whence she arrived, making way for Paul McCartney. He plays a new song, and we all play along. Then he says this is his first time playing the Grammys: “Have I finally passed the audition?” Yes, we know the reference. Thank you. And into “Helter Skelter” we go. He sounds much better here than he did a year ago at the Super Bowl, in case you keep track of such matters.
The Black Eyed Peas phunk with your heart and your head by having to notify us that they won a Grammy. Yes, we get it. You’re somehow legit. And yet, you have Jennifer Love Hewitt standing with you, wearing that fugly hairdo and frumpy dress. We think they announced another lifetime achievement award, but we kept looking to see if Fergie peed her pants. And now they’re handing out an award. Best Male R&B Performance goes to John Legend. That makes how many for him? At least two, since he won Best R&B Album in pre-show. But they’re playing music to try to get him to scoot. Phew. No worries.
Hey, wait a minute. Speaking of pre-show awards, they gave Best Alternative Album to the White Stripes, which we can get behind, of course, but why not give that out during the show? Ugh.
And…we’re back.
Mariah the Pariah is talking about her troubled childhood. “I’m grateful to God for giving me this gift.” No, no diva here. And here she is, singing “We Belong Together.” And yes, she actually has clothing on more than a quarter of her body. Her implants still look bad. Is that Randy Jackson onstage with her playing guitar? Yikes! Mariah is singing another song, with a fake reverend doing spoken word – and here comes the choir, which means it’s an official Mariah Carey performance. Yo, dawg. Dawg, dawg, dawg. “Carry me home.”
Teri Hatcher cannot be serious in that dress. Well, she cannot be serious usually. She is no J. Lo., and Michael Buble is no David Duchovny. But they’re presenting Best Vocal Album, so we have to pay attention. Sort of. Kelly Clarkson wins. She uses her speech to say how much she loves Bonnie Raitt, and keeps mentioning how she isn’t crying. Which means it makes sense for the music to cue her to go. Where was that music when Mariah was singing?
And we’re back. Jenna Elfman says Owen Bradley gets a trustee’s award. Whatever that means. Is it like a lifetime achievement award? Dharma also introduces Faith Hill and Keith Urban. Wait. Not Tim McGraw? Does Nicole Kidman know about this? Oh, they’re performing separate solo songs. Nicole probably doesn’t care, anyhow. All she’s thinking is, Tom Cruise has a pregnant Katie (er, Kate?) Holmes, and she has Keith Urban. She wins. No, check that. Not Nicole winning. But Keith Urban has joined Faith Hill during her song. Does Tim McGraw know about this? At the end of the song, the camera cuts to a smiling, clapping McGraw. Coast is clear. Santana is onstage saying something or other about Mo Astin and a president’s merit award. We tried but failed to win the Presidential Award in elementary school, not because of pull-ups or shuttle runs, but because our short legs hindered us in the standing broad jump. But we digress.
Best collaboration goes to Jay-Z and Linkin Park for “Encore.” Nice call again. So far, the telecast awards sound right on.
Most of the ads include Grammy nominees and music, and they’re also more watchable than many of this past week’s Super Bowl ads. What does that say about the hyping of Super Bowl ads?
And…we’re back.
Dave Chappelle walks up, and his M.I.A. Comedy Central show featured great hip-hop each episode. “I know I have the country confused.”
They cut, inexplicably to Tom Hanks, who is sitting next to Nicole Kidman!?
Chappelle welcomes Sly Stone, but first, the curtain rises to show Joss Stone, John Legend and another guy whose name we didn’t catch because of applause, but it sounded like Hunt. “It’s A Family Affair.” Uh oh. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry are standing in wait behind them. Monster jam coming. Fantasia and some tattooed guy whose name we don’t catch because more applause drowns it out (Devin Lima? Who is Devin Lima? Devin Lima from LFO – Lyte Funky Ones? We thought this was an all-star tribute!). Yes, that is Randy Jackson onstage playing guitar. Let’s play how many American Idol references during the show. “Here’s Maroon 5 and Ciara.” They do part of “Everyday People.” “Please welcome Will.I.Am.” And he raps over “Dance to the Music.” Now it’s time for Tyler, Perry and Robert Randolph. Sly then makes a rare appearance with a giant blond Mohawk and shimmering knee-length jacket, plays part of the jam, then saunters off just as he sauntered on. That’s how you remain an enigma, people.
And…we’re back.
LL Cool J talking up Robert Johnson, another lifetime achievement award winner.
But here it comes. Jay-Z and Linkin Park do “Encore,” only in the middle, Chester breaks into “Yesterday” and out walks Sir Paul McCartney for an encore. Nice! Now Jay-Z’s John Lennon T-shirt underneath his white suit seems as foreshadowing as we should’ve expected it to be. “Sounds so beautiful, don’t you agree?” Jay-Z says at the end.
The Sly Stone tribute was good enough, but this was far, far better than that, or than last year’s severely over-hyped hear-it-tonight, buy-it-tomorrow-on-iTunes “Across the Universe” tune.
And…we’re back.
Tom Hanks and his silly Da Vinci Code semi-mullet talks up The Weavers – wait, lemme guess, another lifetime achievement award. But Hanks then welcomes Bruce Springsteen, so we’ll let the hairdo slide so the Boss can solo acoustic on “Devils & Dust.” At the song’s end, Bruce yells, “Bring ‘em home!” He means the troops, silly.
About an hour left, but this is shaping up to be an all-star quality awards show. Don’t jinx it!
Destiny’s Child walks up to present an award, but none of them trip on their dresses. Song of the Year – Rascal Flatts, Springsteen, John Legend, U2 or Mariah Carey. And the Grammy goes to U2. Again, not a surprise. But the arena begins playing “We Belong Together.” Now that is a surprise! We said DON’T JINX IT!
Bono: “If you think this is going to go to our head…too late!” He says his father was the atomic bomb mentioned in the band’s album title, “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.” So don’t go thinking Bono is getting to get all preachy, even though The Edge was wondering if he needed to cut in. It’s OK. It’s going to be OK.
And…we’re back.
Kanye West says start the five second delay. Alrighty! “Welcome to Halftime at the Grammys. K.W. State versus J….F.U.!” It’s “Gold Digger,” ladies and gentlemen, with two marching bands. Sounds like Kanye and Jaime Foxx agreed not to drop the N word, and Kanye is working so hard, he also skips the H word, as in Hyundai. But go ahead, guy, go ahead, get down! Kanye West is trying to steal the show two years in a row, and he looks like he just might do it, as the Gold Diggers dance team comes out, followed by the Broke Phi Broke dance squad, which for you “Late Registration” owners, knows is a nice segue on the disc anyhow, and Kanye is back out after a costume change with Mr. Foxx to “Touch the Sky” for a brief chorus.
How are Sheryl Crow and Sting supposed to follow that? Oh, they’re only talking, about Cream – hold on, another lifetime achievement award, perhaps? Yes, that’s the ticket! And now onto Record of the Year. The nominees: Mariah Carey, Gorillaz, Green Day, Gwen Stefani, and Kanye West. Who ya got? We got…Green Day? Let’s see if Billie Joe Armstrong is as modest now as a winner as he was earlier in the show as a presenter. “Oh my God. This record has been out two years, or almost two years, something like that,” he says. Yes, that qualifies as modest. He also acknowledges “a very big deal” for pop radio to be playing rock music.
Only two categories remain (best new artist and album o’ the year) but more than two performances still have to hit the stage, so let’s go to commercials. Oh, we could’ve finished in under three hours, and yet. And yet.
And…we’re back.
With Terrence Howard, because Jessye Norman gets a lifetime achievement award. But that moment passes because we have Herbie Hancock with Christina Aguilera, although why did Terrence have a difficult time saying Xtina was a three-time Grammy winner? Xtina doesn’t look dirrrty at all. Girl gone done cleaned up good. Sounds good, too. Married life must be treating her right.
And…we’re back.
Best New Artist. Fiona Apple, Chuck D and Common on hand to present. This tends to be a wild card category. But the Grammy goes to…John Legend.
Time for the who died last year roll call. Hold your applause – no applause meter in effect at the Grammys.
Queen Latifah is here to talk about Richard Pryor. Lifetime achievement award? Yep. In case you were wondering, the Grammys do have a comedy category. Chris Rock won this year for “Never Scared.” Other nominees were Rick Moranis, the cast of “Family Guy,” Lewis Black and Larry the Cable Guy.
And…we’re back.
Bonnie Raitt and James Taylor get to announce winner Steve Lillywhite as producer of the year, non-classical. They call out Al Schmitt as a trustee award winner. Finally, Album of the Year. Mariah? Sir Paul? Gwen? U2? Kanye?
The Grammy goes to…U2. Again, not a surprise. The old Grammys would’ve honored Sir Paul McCartney, because they like to be late to the party. U2 put out a good one. Kanye deserved to win. Bono says this is their second win, but noted the band lost the category twice before. “Kanye, you’re next,” Bono says. He also says nice things about the other nominees. Lillywhite produced the U2 disc.
It’s not over, though.
A Grammy guy comes out to introduce the New Orleans jam and talks on and on about the importance of New Orleans to our music (which is true), but coming at the end of the show, we’re done. Bonnie Raitt, The Edge, Elvis Costello, Dr. John and others start the all-star finale jam session. Sam Moore and Springsteen join in for “In the Midnight Hour.”

For all of the nominees and winners, go to the official Grammys site here.

POSTSCRIPT
So we were right. Kanye’s win in Rap Album was a consolation prize. He also got Grammys for best rap solo (“Gold Digger”) and best rap song (“Diamonds from Sierra Leone”).
U2 was the big winner with five Grammys.
John Legend got three Grammys, same as Mariah, but she got hers all in the pre-show, so no chance for the diva to go Glitter on us.
Kelly Clarkson got to take the stage for both of her Grammy wins. She really is the first American Idol.

Hello, kiddies

2006-02-08T21:12:00.000-05:00

Welcome to The Big Show Blog. Maybe you missed the big show. Maybe you want to doublecheck something you thought you saw during the big show. Or maybe you just want to relive the big show. We're here for all of you.

First up, the 48th annual Grammy Awards.

David Lee Roth's first day on-air

2006-01-03T12:19:00.000-05:00

DAVID LEE ROTH, THE FIRST-DAY LIVEBLOG

I listened to Diamond Dave's radio debut this morning, so you wouldn't have to. Verdict: Hot air? Fresh air? Dead air? Try none of the above. Here is what it sounded like on Boston's WBCN-FM (104.1):

5:54 a.m., Now playing: Alice in Chains, Rooster. Somehow fitting since WBCN put closure on its Howard Stern era with an Alice in Chains song, and also because, well, here comes the rooster!
6 a.m., With the familiar drum roll intro to Van Halen's Hot For Teacher, the show starts with other strange dance beats, something that sounds slightly operatic, then a vaguely foreign female voice, saying: “Welcome to David Lee Roth, prepare to feel filthy my friend, and completely alive.”
6:01 a.m., Dave is talking. Among his first words: “This is the hottest seat in international radio here.” Then: “What do you start off with in something like this?” There are other voices in the studio, Dave calls to a guy named Hutch who sounds slightly British. Dave reads something about Morgan Spurlock and Supersize Me, then talks about what he orders from McDonald's: two cheeseburger meal, supersized, with a Coke. Then segues into talk of always a new diet pill on the market. Must be some sort of New Year's resolution ramble.
6:04 a.m., Dave asks rhetorically: “What am I doing on the radio?”
6:04 a.m., Wait don't answer that. I used the adverb rhetorically for a reason, since Dave starts reminsicing about the first time he got a radio (or record player?) as a gift from his uncle, listening to Ray Charles when he was 7 in 1961, living at 21 Alton Court in Brookline (about two blocks from Coolidge Corner), when his dad was in college on the GI Bill.
6:07 a.m., First mention of Uncle Manny, New Yorker who started Cafe Wha?, and hired Bob Dylan for his first gig in the Big Apple. Another shout-out to Hutch, who helped Dave during his non-tryout tryout last March at WZLX-FM (100.7) in Boston. Hutch says he was born in Birmingham (England), lived in London, has been in the States for 25 years. (Looking him up online, we see he also has been a DJ for most of that time, working in the Boston area since the mid-1990s, including stints at WROR and WBOS. A Herald article search reveals he also temporarily replaced Steve Sweeney in mornings when Sweeney got booted last summer from ZLX.)
6:10 a.m., There is a toll-free call-in line: 866 313 3733 (866-313-FREE) -- a reference to the new Infinity, er, I mean CBS Radio all-talk FM "Free" format, which replaced "K-Rock" in NYC. Dave also is streaming audio online at http://www.david.freefm.com/ (links from http://www.davidleeroth.com) Dave pleads: “I’m not running for office, I’m not trying to save the world, that’s Bono’s job.”
6:11 a.m., Perhaps first full song, but Dave doesn't say what it is (female voice talking about "baby love," but it's not that Diana Ross song), all he mentions is something about people working toward their New Year's sobreity.
6:14 a.m., Dave asks if schools are back in session today, brief mention of him "lighting the menorah" over the holidays, first mention that he is a certified EMT, then talks of what to do at Ground Zero. Says something akin to "the black wall for Vietnam" needed for memory, but suggests creating housing for artists, students, as a song plays in the background ("playing a bit of a 'School Boy Crush,'" he says). “Instead of putting up another boring office building” there, he suggests new theater/bohemian district for future creative types. “What makes it the swingingest is all the style,” he says of NYC. Then he asks for phone calls.
6:21 a.m., First commercial break, fades out to Van Halen riffs.
6:26 a.m., Dave says to play the whole song, School Boy Crush by the Average White Band. This is beginning to sound a bit like, ahem, average white radio.
6:29 a.m., First caller is from Los Angeles. “Where do you work the late-shift at?” Dave asks. Caller says he is listening online, works as customer service rep at a multinational bank, is a Van Halen fan.
6:31 a.m., Dave has Hutch play Vertigo by U2 as Dave sings along, as the vague female voiceover says something about “zen and the art of hearty laughs?”
6:35 a.m., Someone else is in the studio. Don't know who(m).
6:37 a.m., Caller Jessica says, “I want to thank you Dave for being you.” She asks if he's married. Dave says making your personal life public wrecks it, says that’s what happened to Nick and Jessica. He'll repeat trend of about 15 minutes on-air, 5 minutes ads, throughout the show.
6:45 a.m., Dave says,“I think this is my first real office job.” Plays Faces' Ooh La La, sings along to lyrics, “I wish I knew what I know now, when I was younger.”
6:49 a.m., Rambling about New Year’s Resolutions? Parades?
6:50 a.m., Caller Georgie from Boston asks “Remember me?” He is singer in a band called Red Ball Jet, named after Roth's pre-Van Halen band, apparently played a party at the Palladium when Roth guest-hosted at ZLX last St. Patrick's Day? Dave ends up going on rant about need for George to get his kid educated, but at one point repeatedly says “if you know your 24 letters” (???) that you won't know any others.
6:55 a.m., Another caller, another Van Halen fan. Go figure.
7:04 a.m., “Roth…866 313-FREE” which leads to ramble about freedom and yet we cannot say the f word, how do you explain that to kids, how do you explain lesbians to kids, “You have to tread around it, not because the kid can’t handle it, but because mommy and daddy can’t handle it.”
7:11 a.m., Unknown song. Of course, notably more music without Stern, less Stern-centric ads.
7:14 a.m., Dave introduces Brian Young from California after the song. Was it Young playing? Turns out Young had at one point been guitarist in a VH tribute band called Atomic Punks, later hired by Dave to be his guitarist on the infamous 2002 concert tour with Sammy Hagar. Dave says something about Pakistanis in low-riders trying to be Tupac or Mexicans. I have no idea, either.
7:31 a.m., A couple of calls get lost. Dave quips: “What’s going on? Is Eddie Van Halen running the phones?”
7:41 a.m., How many mornings can we listen to Van Halen fans telling Dave how great he was? Then again, Stern listeners sat through 14 months of Stern telling everyone how great he was and how he was leaving for Sirius and how fans were cheering him on.
7:44 a.m., Dave makes a paramedic joke: “Mr. Rodriguez, how many of your fingers am I holding up?”
7:48 a.m., Dave quips, “I have a sex tape out, from 1982, Wichita Falls, Texas”
7:52 a.m., Dave gives a shout-out to Howard Stern, asks him what to do about Stern's old boss (and Roth's new boss) Tom, suggests he and Stern engage in "a running dialogue" about it once Stern starts on Sirius next Monday. Dave makes another Boston reference, jokes something about Tom not liking someone in the studio because he is "Boston Irish."
8:00 a.m., “This job is a breeze!” Dave says. Halfway there. He introduces his first official interview guest, Uncle Manny. They talk about Manny's childhood in the 1920s.
8:42 a.m., Still talking to Uncle Manny, now about the start of Cafe Wha?
9:09 a.m., Still with Manny? Manny says first big celebrity was Louis Gossett Jr. (!), remembers dismissing Dylan as someone who couldn't sing, didn't have stage presence. “This kid doesn’t have a frickin prayer!” Manny says. “He writes this song, The Ants Are My Friends.” The studio is laughing up a storm. Me, not so much.
9:15 a.m., Manny reads off names: Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor. “I was Richie’s first manager,” Manny says. “That had to be 1963” said Pryor must’ve been 22, 23, doing generic stuff, nothing compared to Cosby. Also lists Jimi Hendrix (as Jimmy Jones), Bobby Klein.
9:33 a.m., Finally says bye to Manny before another ad break.
9:51 a.m., Dave talks about taking flight lessons recently, says it's the hardest thing he’s done.
9:58 a.m., Dave figures he can sign off from “David lee’s tiki bunker, where the debris meets the sea...Join me tomorrow, it gets nothing but better from here.” For his sake and ours, let's hope so.
9:59 a.m., WBCN plays Pearl Jam, Jeremy

Live 8

2005-07-02T20:09:00.000-04:00

THE ULTIMATE LIVE 8 VIEWERS BLOG

Yes, I watched all of Live 8. It's my job. A little worried last night and early this morning that I wouldn't be able to pull it off, at least not logistically, but everything came together. You could say the same for Bob Geldof's little concert. Greatest concert ever? Well, I don't know that I'd use a superlative like that, but...well.

Here are my initial impressions, minute by minute...America Online and MTV promised the world at least 12 hours of live Live 8 coverage yesterday from six cities – Berlin, London, Paris, Philadelphia, Rome and Toronto. The other venues in Tokyo, Moscow, Johannesburg and southern England were relegated to highlight footage, but that’s another story. Our mission: How much Live 8 coverage could one person absorb? Could it be done? Should it be done? Answering the first two questions would have to suffice.

8:00 a.m. Despite AOL’s promotional teases offering streaming video, having much difficulty finding evidence of same. But they have time to fix this, since Berlin is the only site due up this hour.
8:08 a.m. Still no live music from Berlin. What gives?
8:14 a.m. The tease on AOL Radio (still no video) gets replaced by a loud alarm/horn for about 30 seconds, then by someone yelling in German. No need to fear. It’s not 1945, it’s 2005. As JFK once said, “Ich bin ein Berliner.” So let’s roll with it.
8:18 a.m. The same German guy starts singing a punked-out version of “Hang On Sloopy.” It’d be nice to get an ID on the guy and his band. Help us, AOL. Please? Apparently, it’s Die Toten Hosen, one of Germany’s popular punk bands. Thank you.
8:28 a.m. CNN claims AOL has streaming video, but still no sign of it. Is it them, or is it me?
8:44 a.m. AOL finally updated its site to include the Live 8 video broadcasts, and yes, you can have multiple screens on at once. The video arrives a few seconds later than the AOL Radio version, which probably has more to do with technological obstacles than the FCC. In fact, an introductory message from AOL claims that the live shows may include some offensive material. Speaking of which, the first images I see from Berlin are of an emcee who resembles a German Ryan Seacrest. On the bright side, the turnout along Berlin’s Victory Column looks like it at least meets, if not exceeds, the 100,000 pre-show estimates.
8:52 a.m. Hey, the German Ryan Seacrest dropped an F-bomb. But it was in an activist sense, “Give me your f---ing voice” for the cause, so I suppose that’s more acceptable, right?
9:02 a.m. AOL has seven video channels, six cities plus a “global feed” that supposedly allows you to watch all cities. Just not at once.
9:05 a.m. A trumpet call in London’s Hyde Park, and Paul McCartney and U2 stroll onstage to thunderous applause. “Well, it was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play,’’ sings Sir Paul in London -- and Berlin, too. The Germans see and hear the London show on giant video monitors -- and the set times in Rome and Paris have been bumped later, for Sir Paul, perhaps?Hyde Park doesn’t look full of people yet, but it’s still early.
9:08 a.m. As U2 takes over with “Beautiful Day,” a moment to reflect on the band’s seminal Live Aid performance, in which the Irish quartet stole the show and soon became “the biggest band in the world.” Watching the 1985 video clip again this morning, however, would you have believed that Bono had a mullet and high-heel black boots worn over his jeans, for crying out loud? Better question: Which band, if any, will gain global fame from performing at Live 8?
9:18 a.m. Bono talks about death by AIDS, by “dirty water,” and says Live 8 has something to say to the G-8 leaders. “We have a statement. This is your moment. Make poverty history.” The band launches into “One,” the song behind the anti-poverty campaign and white wristbands -- available at www.one.org
9:28 a.m. Bono ends U2’s set with a few verses from “Unchained Melody,” one of many interesting cover tunes we’ll likely hear throughout the day. Also first sighting of fan fighting poverty with his giant green afro wig!
9:38 a.m. Coldplay’s Chris Martin says he’ll play “the best song ever written, and here’s the best singer in the world, Mr. Richard Ashcroft,” to perform “Bittersweet Symphony.” Wonder what the Rolling Stones think of that? AOL also notifies other feeds of the performance using a ticker called “the buzz” -- in this case, the buzz says: “Gwyneth, Apple watch from front row.”
9:48 a.m. Duran Duran performs “Ordinary World,” from Rome, while Berlin preps for another change, the global feed broadcasts highlights from Tokyo early this morning -- Good Charlotte performing “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” -- and the London feed shows hundreds more fans showing up at Hyde Park.
9:58 a.m. Elton John might not have the same outlandish fashion sense he had 20 years ago for Live Aid, but he announces his return onstage with “The Bitch is Back.”
10:08 a.m. Elton John brings out Pete Doherty, the strung-out Brit from the Libertines, to help him sing “Children of the Revolution.” The buzz, meanwhile, has Audioslave coming on in Berlin.
10:18 a.m. Bob Geldof introduced in London as “the boss” for his first of many appearances of the day onstage. After thanking the audience, he introduces Bill Gates -- yes, Microsoft billionaire and richest man in the world Bill Gates -- because “he says our plan is the right plan. He is one of our biggest supporters.” No wonder Geldof wants our voice and not our money. Gates still isn’t the hippest man in the world, though he does try. “I believe that if you show people the problems, and you show them the solutions, they’ll be moved to act,” Gates said. “The generosity we’re asking for can save millions of lives.”
10:58 a.m. While MTV is still pimping people’s rides, Green Day opens its set in Berlin with an appropriate response: “American Idiot.”
11:08 a.m. Ricky Gervais in London introduces R.E.M. with Michael “Blue Stripe” Stipe (what is with the face paint, anyhow?) while Toronto opens its video feed with Tom Cochrane’s “Life is a Highway.” At this point, I hope there is a rest area around the corner.
11:11 a.m. Would you rather be happy or sad? R.E.M. wails “Everybody Hurts” in London while Green Day covers Queen’s “We are the Champions” in Berlin. Germany wins.
11:28 a.m. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill keep the smooth vibe going in Rome. Definitely a different feeling from that feed and Paris than the others. In Paris, Craig David jams with a band on an R&B influenced take on the Beatles’ “Come Together.”
11:44 a.m. Muse might be singing that “Time is Running Out” in Paris, but the Kaiser Chiefs boast, “I Predict a Riot” -- and with that, the Philadelphia concert starts and AOL has all six feeds up and running. I need a bigger computer screen. Keane takes the London stage with their first big hit, “Somewhere Only We Know.”
NOON Bob Geldof returns (the TV cameras must be on) to the stage, introduces the London crowd to the Philadelphia feed and Will Smith. All the shows stop for the Fresh Prince, who tells a worldwide audience that a child dies “every three seconds” from poverty and disease, then snaps his fingers, instructs everyone else to snap with him -- which they do, only every second instead of three seconds. Timing is everything. MTV has started its coverage with taped highlights, which confuses AOL viewers even more when MTV switches to a live feed that arrives a few seconds before AOL’s feed.
12:24 p.m. Now Geldof is onstage singing. Some Web sites reported earlier this week that the Boomtown Rats leader wouldn’t perform, but there he is with the band performing their long-ago hit, “I Don’t Like Mondays.” MTV instead shows viewers the Black Eyed Peas with The Marleys from Philadelphia, also passing over Andrea Bocelli’s singing from Paris.
12:30 p.m. Wait a second. AOL is playing an actual ad on the Philly feed for the Borgata Hotel and Casino in Atlantic City? That’ll put an end to poverty? Just remember to bet on black? That’s followed by a series of AOL in-studio sessions. In London, Brad Pitt goads the crowd: “Let us be outrageous. Let us be bold.” Is he talking about the G-8 or Angelina Jolie? MTV doesn’t fall for Brad Pitt, instead showing clips of Green Day.
12:44 p.m. More TV weirdness. MTV plays an ad for “Monster Ballads” with 32 “monster hits” including Whitesnake’s “Is This Love.” My memory is foggy, but didn’t MTV show more live footage 20 years ago during Live Aid?
1:05 p.m. Strange contrast in the use of harmony. Destiny’s Child shows off three-part harmonies with big beats in Philadelphia, while Brian Wilson dusts off the old-school pop melodies in Berlin. Wilson is as much of a hoot to watch as he is to listen to -- he gets visibly peeved upon botching a note early on in “God Only Knows,” but keeps on with the song.
1:18 p.m. The logjam of interesting choices continues. Kanye West starts up in Philly, Shakira shakes it up in Paris, while MTV cuts to the scene in Johannesburg. “Good Vibrations” indeed, Mr. Brian Wilson said.
1:30 p.m. MTV passes up a chance to split the screen between Kanye West (Philly) and Snoop Dogg (London) to revisit Audioslave’s “Like A Stone.”
1:36 p.m. Posh and Becks look so lovely watching Snoop Dogg, don’t they? Jimmy Smits is talking about something or other in Philadelphia, but unless he becomes the actual president and not merely a fictional candidate for “The West Wing,” I’ll stick with Snoop. Even if Will Smith has entered with flower girls, on a throne, with “Ali” chants that “the champ is here.” Snoop keeps going. The London crowd sings with him: “Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, Snoop Dogg.” Even a guy who looks like Jerry Springer is raising his fist in the air.
1:48 p.m. Is the Berlin show over? Looks like nothing going on, which would mean I missed A-Ha. Take on me. No, wait, here comes another unidentified band. Must not have “the buzz” for AOL to mention them.
2:05 p.m. Bob Geldof reminds us on the London, Philadelphia, Rome and MTV feeds what Live 8 is all about by showing recent video footage from Africa’s poorest villages. Then Madonna appears with a full band and choir for “Like a Prayer.” She gets one of the few live spots on MTV. Remember how fragile Madonna sounded at Live Aid 20 years ago? She’s not fragile anymore. MTV bleeps her F-bomb, but AOL lets it fly (She asked if London was ready).
HALFTIME?
2:38 p.m. MTV asks fans how early they arrived to get their spots in Philadelphia. Several said they camped out overnight. Hope my colleague Sarah Rodman isn’t stuck near the stinky people -- smell ya later! I won’t rub it in by mentioning my comfy chair. Anyhow. Snow Patrol is starting in London, but wait, is that A-Ha in Berlin? They look vaguely familiar, and yes, that is “Take On Me.” Suddenly the line between clever and stupid and the line between Live 8 and NBC’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time” is very fine. An announcement from London about the last trains of the night: “Keep your eye on your watch.” It’s not quite “stay away from the brown acid,” but thanks for the tip anyhow!
2:58 p.m. The Killers emerge in London all wearing their white summer suits. You’d think with all this great music, MTV wouldn’t waste so much of its programming day letting the VJs talk and talk and talk about Live 8, and let the music and Bob Geldof speak for themselves. But no. Another retrospective piece. I want my MTV back!
3:13 p.m. It’s a triple dose of soul with Craig David in Paris, Joss Stone in London and Alicia Keys from Philly, although not together. “This might be the last opportunity we have to change the world,” Keys tells the audience, and cites the death of Luther Vandross. “Life is so important. We don’t know what’s going to happen so we have to do it while we can do it.”
3:18 p.m. MTV replays The Killers’ performance of “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Sounds better than the first time I heard it 20 minutes ago.
3:28 p.m. The sun sets in Rome, reminding me how long the day has been. In the spirit of the mash-up disc Linkin Park made with Jay-Z, I decide to mash-up the performances of Linkin Park in Philly with the dance punk of the Scissor Sisters from London. Sounds pretty good, but then again, it has been 7 ½ hours since I started staring at the computer. And I forgot to turn down the volume on the TV, where Alicia Keys has gone from singing “For all We Know” to telling us all she knows about Proactiv Solution. What?
3:41 p.m. Why is Corey Feldman’s band playing in Berlin? OK, that settles it. I’m delirious. Snack time.
3:45 p.m. Tom Green says Celine Dion “will be coming live from a craps table,” because the singer is, in fact, beaming in her Toronto performance from her Las Vegas showroom. And the more she talks, the more my stomach turns. End snack time. Abort. Abort.
3:46 p.m. Jay-Z joins Linkin Park onstage, effectively making my mash-up a mashy-mash-up. Good times.
3:50 p.m. Rachel Perry from VH1 just described the concert as “off the hook.” What year is this?
3:54 p.m. The banner above the London stage beckons: “We can be the great generation.” Onstage: Velvet Revolver. Oh well. It was a nice thought, right, Slash?
4:11 p.m. Velvet Revolver singer Scott Weiland has lost his shirt and the Def Leppard drummer still has only one arm, so I haven’t completely lost control of my powers of perception. The buzz says Berlin went out with a bang. Were there fireworks? Did I miss them? Ack!
4:16 p.m. MTV is showing Green Day. Wait. Didn’t they do that already?
4:28 p.m. Tami the HIV+ Puppet delivers a thank-you speech to the Philadelphia crowd. They’re kidding, right? Millions of AIDS-infected people in Africa, and Live 8 booked a Muppet? But the buzz on Berlin is inaccurate, as Roxy Music is there covering John Lennon’s “Jealous Guy,” three hours after that city’s concert was scheduled to end. A good sign for fans. A bad sign for my assignment.
4:44 p.m. Mariah Carey performs in London. Not looking skanky at all. Good for her. Hold that thought. Within five minutes, Ms. Carey has already demanded water and a mike stand. Diva! Doesn’t she know the audiences in Rome and Paris and here in my apartment can see her? Actually, that probably explains it. Diva.
4:59 p.m. Either I’m half-asleep, or all six concert feeds have gone quiet simultaneously. Is there a moment of silence of which I am not aware? Something worse? More likely, a scheduling fluke, unless they knew I needed to find more food from the kitchen. Thanks.
5:16 p.m. VH1 News sends Ashley Judd and India.arie to Africa -- it’s like “Trippin,’” only with more of a social conscience and less Cameron Diaz. Did I type that out loud?
5:23 p.m. Maroon 5 is covering “Rockin’ in the Free World.” Hope they got an OK from Neil Young, who is closing out the entire night from Toronto and owns that song.
5:33 p.m. The Who, or half of the Who, takes over in London. That’s nice and all, but where is Pink Floyd? Weren’t they supposed to have reunited already? I won’t get fooled again, I’m telling you that much right now.
5:50 p.m. I’m not imagining this. MTV is repeating the same exact retrospective on Live Aid that it played a few hours ago. Or was it a few minutes ago? Meanwhile, The Cure have popped up in Paris. Haven’t had a good reason to look at that feed in a while.
5:56 p.m. Rob Thomas starts in Philadelphia. MTV wouldn’t dare stop its coverage at 6 p.m. as it had indicated earlier, would it? Not with so many acts yet to perform. How late is this gig going, anyhow?
6:02 p.m. Pink Floyd reunites. “Comfortably Numb.” How apt. At least that’s how I feel. How about you? This trumps Motley Crue in Toronto, Rob Thomas in Philadelphia, and The Cure in Paris. The London banner above the stage now reads: No More Excuses. If it’s good enough for Pink Floyd to put the hard feelings behind them, it’s good enough for us, and good enough for the G8, too. But what about MTV? They stick with the best and most newsworthy performance for 21 minutes before bailing out to commercial, just before the end. Why couldn’t they have waited just another minute or two? AOL kept going.
6:38 p.m. The final stretch. Sir Paul McCartney returns to close out London, while Stevie Wonder has the honors in Philadelphia.
6:43 p.m. The Berlin feed goes down.
6:46 p.m. Dido and Youssou N’Dour managed to fit in at least two gigs today, as they arrive in Paris to close down that show after performing in London earlier.
6:50 p.m. Even AOL isn’t safe from the sight of Paula Abdul dancing. Keep those Laker Girl moves to the “American Idol” set.
6:51 p.m. McCartney’s supposed final song, “The Long and Winding Road,” isn’t nearly as long nor as winding as the actual final singalong, “Hey Jude.” Time for a Philadelphia official to send those folks home. Time for McCartney to stop the song, then start again. Time for the Paris feed to end. Time for the old feeds to start anew. And finally, even though Toronto is scheduled to go another hour, time for Bob Geldof to wrap it up shortly after 7 p.m.: “What a night. What a day.”
He can say that again.
FINAL LIVE 8 UPDATE FROM TORONTO: After all the other concerts, Toronto (or rather, Barrie, Ontario) kept going for another hour-plus with a leisurely set from Barenaked Ladies and a poignant return to the stage by Neil Young. At 8:09 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, many of the musicians who had performed earlier in the day joined Young for one final song. And yes, it was his song, "Keep on Rocking in the Free World."